BREA, California – We’ve already discussed on these pages the criteria for identifying a geologist and engineer. The lone landman in my group of oil and gas retirees down at the Olde Ship pub demanded equal time. So, we decided to really give it to the obnoxious twit. The list was fueled by the usual Boddington’s and Guinness but this time supplemented with numerous shots of Jägermeister thrown in.
You might be a landman if…
- You tell lies just for the fun of it.
- You tell complicated lies to keep in practice for negotiations.
- Andy Killinger is one of your heroes.
- Ming the Merciless is another.
- Your mother was relieved when you told her your job is playing the piano in a Klondike whorehouse.
- Your forked tongue is not due to accident or surgery.
- You think forgery is an art form.
- You’re one of the last persons on Earth to use Wildroot Cream-Oil on your hair.
- You know people who know people.
- Your favorite movie quote is from Conan the Barbarian: When asked what is best in life he replied, “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women!”
- You like to make little children cry.
- You laughed when Bambi’s mother died.
- Two plus two equals whatever the boss wants.
- You’re the last person in the office who smokes.
- You know what the words obfuscate and prevaricate mean.
- Your expense reimbursement surpasses your salary.
- Your capacity for alcohol is exceeded only by that of a VLCC.
- You have a profile on every known dating website. All to no avail.
Now that we have maligned geologists, engineers and landmen, are there any other groups worthy of our attention? Geophysicists? Middle management? Upper management? Time will tell. We have plenty of snark left.