HOUSTON, Texas – Close on the heels of its pending US$34.6 billion acquisition of oil field services rival Fakit Huge Inc., Hollimorton Company today announced that it has made an all-cash offer for C. B. Fleet Company, Inc. Hollimorton is self-financing the offer by laying off another 10,000 employees. Fleet is best known for a number of consumer products including laxatives and feminine hygiene products. At first glance this seems to be an odd fit for Hollimorton, but at a press conference in Houston the corporate rationale was explained. Ty D. Bohlmann, Hollimorton Vice President of New and Improved Stuff To Fix Problems You Didn’t Know You Had, said,
“We are introducing a new wellbore cleaning product we are calling ‘Superdoosh’. We found that the basic formula for Superdoosh is the same as Fleet’s Summer’s Eve product. By acquiring Fleet we eliminate any chance of being sued for patent infringement, plus we can use the expertise of their chemists to improve our product, especially its smell after being flushed from the wellbore. Perhaps their Norform products will help in this regard.
“From personal experience I am well aware of Fleet’s laxative products’ effectiveness in relieving constipation. It is immediate and quite violent. We believe the same products can be adapted to clear out blockages in oil pipelines and process vessels. When you’re deep in the bowels of a production facility, it’s often very difficult to even reach the problem area, much less clean out something that’s gummed up with terdine sludge. This may be the relief many people are looking for. Fleet’s other major product is PhaZyme, a capsule that is used to break down gastro-intestinal gas. We will investigate its possible use to prevent gas locking of downhole pumps and other equipment.”
Mr. Bohlmann then turned the news conference over to the Director of Operations, Turner O. Veur, who gave more details on the use of the wellbore cleaner. He said,
“The product will be delivered to the wellsite in dry form in special cloth containers we call Superdoosh bags. After mixing with dilute acetic acid the Superdoosh will be gently injected into the wellbore with a special curved tool. The wellbore is then as fresh and clean as the day it was drilled.”
The acquisition will be reviewed by the U. S. Department of Justice for any anti-trust violations, but given the lack of direct competition between the two companies’ products and services, serious objections are unlikely. 2P News contacted the Justice Department for comments but was unsuccessful in getting a response because the spokesman couldn’t stop giggling.