Hand, water, life.

EDMONTON, Alberta – Breaking news from Canada’s oil and gas sector! Consulting giant Plotter and Gorgan (P&G) announced this morning that it has teamed up with Impossible Grub to introduce a new eco-friendly pipeline called Beyond Pipe™. The biodegradable material from which the pipeline is constructed is the secret to its promise to cater to the green versus black ideologies on the great pipeline divide that appears to have only become wider since the Trans Mountain expansion was recently approved by the Trudeau government.

Impossible Grub’s President and CEO spoke to reporters in Edmonton this morning.

Nova Journey, founder and president, Impossible Grub

“We’ve revolutionized breakfast sandwiches, hamburgers, and mock turducken, so I asked myself… ‘what’s next?’ And I answered, ‘wHY NOT PIPELINES!’ wE ARE A PROACTIVE COMPANY THAT i FOUNDED TO SOLVE PROBLEMS, AND THOSE GUYS UP IN CANADA ARE HAVING ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS WITH PIPELINES AND THE ENVIRONMENT, SO i FIGURED THIS WOULD SERVE THEM ALL WELL.” – Nova Journey, Impossible Grub’s President 

While proprietary, the initial press release infers the pipe is a mix of solidified human waste and compostable material gathered from Calgary-area composting dumps. P&G has indicated it has a bio-life of roughly 50 years, which according to peak oil conspiracy nuts, should be long enough for cold fusion, or an asteroid to end dependence on fossil fuels.

Although biodegradable pipelines may seem like a very bad idea to most people, there are two specific design features that should alleviate any doubts and fears about their use.

The Beyond Pipe™ pipelines will be run at greater than 800 meter total depth from the ground surface to ensure there is enough pressure and geothermal heat to stabilize the bio-compound for more than a few years. Also, the pipeline will require regular sweeps of fresh components pumped through them along with oil. This will reconstitute the interior of the line and act like regenerative fabrication, extending the line’s operational lifespan.

Douglas Farfromtru, P.Eng., lead pipeline engineer with P&G

“The biodegradable line is a miracle of engineering. It will move oil, eventually disintegrate and not require remediation, and when it does, it has been placed at a depth that allows the oil to simple return to the reservoir rocks where it belongs! no surface leaks, no groundwater leaks, and no mess. We simply run another line and carry on. – Douglas Farfromtru, P&G Spokesman

The proposed test run for the new Beyond Pipe™ pipeline is from Mooncor’s Desolation facility northwest of Spirit River, Alberta to a terminal in Hardisty, Alberta operated by a junior oil and gas company, Finite Resources.  The line will range from 800 to 1200 meters depth, pending terrain, and can be run with a conventional drilling rig much like production casing in a horizontal well.

The pipe is run after drilling with a typical bit has been completed, but requires no cement to hold it in place after the run. The casing will simply stick to the borehole walls as the human waste component becomes wetted and sticky.

The Beyond Pipe™ pipeline has gathered support from Cat Makenna and Shannon P., because they mostly rely on a simple headline for information, much like Donny J. down south.  Initial drilling is expected to commence in January of 2020.