A former downtown officer worker and inventor has developed a revolutionary laid-back seating position that is capable of increasing productivity by at least 350%.
CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary geologist Geoffery Retread created the seating position after weeks of recline analysis and has now signed a multi-hundred dollar deal with Gazillion Industries Furniture Metalworx, a furniture fabrication shop based in Red Deer, Alberta, to start mass producing the contraption.
According to Gazillion’s chief executive, Daryl Papparadello, the new seating technology is a game-changer.
“It can help trigger the next workplace productivity revolution,” he told 2P News. “The advantages over traditional, upright seating positions cannot be overstated.”
According to Retread, the breakthrough came from years of leaning back in his office chair while working as a professional geologist for a downtown oil and gas exploration company.
“There were times when I would awaken at the sound of the engineer next door swearing at this computer, but I didn’t even realize that I was sleeping. And depending on how I was positioned, I felt completely reenergized and ready to actually do some real work, not just play Magic with my online buddies.” – Geoffrey Retread
The precise angle with heartbeat-synchronous frequency modulation, which is top secret, is the key to his invention.
Technically, his device should be described as a position-dependent productivity enhancer, not a chair support. Either way, it is so effective that it could now be set to revolutionize the western Canadian oil and gas exploration industry, because geologists would just be far busier doing meaningful work.
The invention comprises a triangular metal frame that is fixed to the lower back of any chair. The frame is fitted with a series of sensors that detect heart rate, chair angle, and cognitive productivity factor (CPF). Also fitted to the frame are a pair of heavy duty motors that automatically adjust the rake angle of the chair based on input from the sensors. The frame and motor combo is rated from 250lbs to 750lbs to accommodate the entire spectrum of geologist body weights and types.
The sensors and motors work in concert to adjust the recline angle to optimize the CPF by taking the subject through cycles of high productivity and nano-naps. No fewer than one hundred, 5-second nano-naps per hour will be induced into the subject through productivity-boosting rapid hypnagogia-hypnopompia cycles that stimulate the subject’s fullfrontal cortex cognitive centre, and therefore supercharge the quantity and quality of work-product.
The device is not perfect, however. Geoffrey Retread admits that the invention was designed by a geologist for geologists. The artificial intelligence algorithms determine that any body weighing less than 250lbs is not a geologist, and therefore already operates in a highly productive capacity. Engineers, even those who meet the weight requirements, simple do not like the device because they would rather be very close to the monitor so that they can make sure the numbers in those little cells on the spreadsheets are behaving themselves.
Mr. Retread has received 175 orders for his productivity booster device and he is working feverishly with Gazillion Industries’ Mr. Papparadello to deliver them at homes across southern Alberta for April 15th, 2020.
Retread has to be the ugliest human being (?) ever to disgrace the face of the earth, even for a geologist. I rarely turn down customers, but he would be top of the list.
Oh, Kate. Who are you kidding? You don’t turn down anybody with a heartbeat – well, with the very rare exception.