HOUSTON, Texas – As part of an ongoing effort to improve the oil and gas industry’s public image, the professional organizations AAPG (American Association of Petroleum Geologists), SPE (Society of Petroleum Engineers) and AAPL (American Association of Petroleum Losers), acting in concert with the umbrella organization WOOPS (World Organization of Petroleum Societies), have asked the U. S. OSHA (Obtuse Safety and Health Administration) to change the way it reports accident statistics.
Woodrow P. Peckerwood, spokesman for the group, explained,
“The only people who ever get seriously hurt are the field and refinery workers who none of us give a shit about. However, all the reporting of accidents, injuries and general mayhem attributed to the oil and gas industry is bad publicity and makes us all weepy-eyed. To save our delicate feelings, we’re asking OSHA to modify its terminology.” – Woodrow P. Peckerwood.
According to WOOPS’ 420-page document, the group has created an extensive list of proposed terminology changes for OSHA statistics, but to illustrate its desires, a few of its suggestions include:
- Blindness is “diminished visual acuity”
- Third degree burn is a “boo boo”
- Broken Bone is an “owie”
- Severed limb is an “ouchie”
- Fatality is “light duty only”
When contacted by Mr. Peckerwood, Frank Furter, Third Junior Deputy Sub-Assistant Undersecretary of Marginal Interests at the Department of Hosing and Urbane Development said, “Why are you talking to me? I have nothing to do with OSHA. You’d have better luck talking to Major Monogram at OWCA.”
After finally figuring out that OWCA is the Organization Without a Cool Acronym on the Disney TV show “Phineas and Ferb”, Mr. Peckerwood issued a press release stating that a WOOPS subcommittee would be formed to identify someone in government who actually exists and would listen to the committee’s entreaties.
In an indirect response, Mr. Joe Staleen of the Eastern Illinois Institute for the Study of Why People Cross Their Legs replied, “Not gonna happen. Even government employees know when to run for cover.”