CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News co-founder and sanitation engineer Darcy Flowman announced today that 2P News is sponsoring a contest to locate and defame the ugliest geologist in all of Canada. He is quoted as saying, “They’re all creepy as hell but surely there is one that will turn the stomach of even the most intrepid human.” Antoine McGuilicuddy immediately responded, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
The contest was inspired by the annual Ugly Dog Contest put on by the American Inhumane Society. The only prize associated with winning the geologist contest is a dented six-pack of Moosepeace Weakass Lager left over from a Canada Day celebration.
Decades ago the Canadian Geological Society tried to publish a photo directory of its membership but after dozens of exploded and shattered cameras the effort was abandoned. Few if any geologists would willingly submit their own photographs for the contest, so Dr. Flowman is depending on fellow engineers to make the submissions. A few have already trickled in:
Mr. Flakey Foont of Cheaterson whose parents warned him that if he kept making faces that one would freeze and become permanent. Sure enough, one did. He has to eat using a tube inserted into his stomach through the navel.
Representing the unfair sex at TexxonMogul, Miss Clarabelle Humblower is discernibly female but only barely. She is perhaps the only woman in Calgary who has not been hit on by McGuilicuddy. She has, however, been hit on by a number of animals at the zoo.
Roland “Rock Sniffer” Stone of ComicalPhilistine claims that he can locate oil by going out in the field and smelling the ground. Judging by his photo that is certainly within the realm of possibility. When not geologizing, he plays the nose flute in the Calgary Symphony.
Once described as the Rock Hudson of Bendovus, Mr. Nostradamus Pickax’s claim to fame is that he was struck in the face by a meteorite (a carbonaceous chondrite) while mudlogging. Unfortunately, unlike in the movies, this did not give him any superpowers other than keeping all females at least one kilometer away from him.
Chester “Incisor” Bicuspid of Cenovus Oil and Gas has a dentition that is the envy of every single member of the order Rodentia. He has found his teeth to be of great use when the lunchroom vending machines are empty and he has to eat a piece of furniture. He prefers pine and spruce.
The contest is open to all citizens and legal residents of Canada and will run until December 1. The winner will be selected at a 2P News staff meeting once everybody is good and drunk.