Social Distancing from a Dog

CALGARY, Alberta – As the world, and even Canada, succumbs to a renewed surge of Covid-19 infections, scientists, doctors and inventors have been burning the midnight oil to develop new ways for individuals to thwart the deadly virus.  As a public service, 2P News brings you our review of the most promising technologies:

The Social Distancing Face Mask – Developed by the Acme Traffic Cone Co. of Kalamazoo Michigan, this device shields the mouth, nose and eyes simultaneously.  If another person violates the 2-meter social distance, simply poke them in the eye with the pointy end of the mask.  He or she will immediately retreat to a safe distance.


IT Nerd Mask

The IT Nerd Mask – Invented by Delbert Dipp in his mother’s basement in Edmonton Alberta, this shroud was developed to provide privacy for people who spend all day staring at porn on a CRT screen.  It can easily be adapted to flat screens.


Covid Beach Wear

The Beach Wear Mask – For people who just have to go to the beach, the fashion designer Cuckoo Chanel has put on sale the Beach Wear Mask.  In addition to shielding the mouth and nose, it’s so hideous that it keeps people away from you.  Just don’t go in the water.


Has Its Own Air

The Workplace Isolation Helmet – The helmet not only isolates the mouth, nose and eyes, it has its own air supply.  It was designed by Mr. Jethro Tull and is built by the Fisher Aqualung Equipment Co.  This provides total protection from breathing in anyone else’s exhaled virus particles.


Hand Over the Cash

The Armored Total Isolation Suit – Offered by the Armored Car division of General Morons in Windsor Ontario, this one provides the ultimate in protection.  With the total isolation suit, there is no need for masks, social distancing or hand washing.  Furthermore, you can use it to rob banks.


And finally, we offer a use for all those face masks you’ve stockpiled:

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Sir William Shortspeare
Sir William Shortspeare, hereditary lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, has over fifty years’ experience at being a devout prig. Staying one step ahead of the nancy boys at Clovenhoof College, he graduated with a degree in Nothing Special. Thus eminently qualified, he joined British Petroleum and was immediately posted to Houston. After enduring one summer of Texas heat, he spent the remainder of his career demanding a transfer. Now retired, he casts a jaundiced eye on the world from Southern California and reports his findings to 2P News.


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