CALGARY, Alberta – As the world, and even Canada, succumbs to a renewed surge of Covid-19 infections, scientists, doctors and inventors have been burning the midnight oil to develop new ways for individuals to thwart the deadly virus. As a public service, 2P News brings you our review of the most promising technologies:
The Social Distancing Face Mask – Developed by the Acme Traffic Cone Co. of Kalamazoo Michigan, this device shields the mouth, nose and eyes simultaneously. If another person violates the 2-meter social distance, simply poke them in the eye with the pointy end of the mask. He or she will immediately retreat to a safe distance.
The IT Nerd Mask – Invented by Delbert Dipp in his mother’s basement in Edmonton Alberta, this shroud was developed to provide privacy for people who spend all day staring at porn on a CRT screen. It can easily be adapted to flat screens.
The Beach Wear Mask – For people who just have to go to the beach, the fashion designer Cuckoo Chanel has put on sale the Beach Wear Mask. In addition to shielding the mouth and nose, it’s so hideous that it keeps people away from you. Just don’t go in the water.
The Workplace Isolation Helmet – The helmet not only isolates the mouth, nose and eyes, it has its own air supply. It was designed by Mr. Jethro Tull and is built by the Fisher Aqualung Equipment Co. This provides total protection from breathing in anyone else’s exhaled virus particles.
The Armored Total Isolation Suit – Offered by the Armored Car division of General Morons in Windsor Ontario, this one provides the ultimate in protection. With the total isolation suit, there is no need for masks, social distancing or hand washing. Furthermore, you can use it to rob banks.
And finally, we offer a use for all those face masks you’ve stockpiled: