BREA, CALIFORNIA – [Gentle Readers: Once again this is Sir William Shortspeare apologizing for my lengthy absence. This time my atrial fibrillation decided to run amuck and I had to get a pacemaker implanted. So, with my eye lens implants, hearing aids and fake heart valve my conversion into a Borg continues apace. Kudos to the wonderful people at Long Beach Memorial Hospital here in southern California who probably saved my life. The good news is that I’m running out of heart problems to have and will need to move on to another failing organ.]
I am quite jealous of the online publication The Onion. The quality of the writing is so far above mine that I could spit. If you don’t know what The Onion is, look it up. If you like 2P News, you will love The Onion. That said, I have already stolen several ideas from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, and today I’m stealing from The Onion. In my defense, most of my articles are original. Well, sort of.
The title of this piece is “2P News has a Sacred Duty.” A sacred duty to do what? Could be anything. We just need to do our very best to entertain and inform our 42 quadrillion readers. (We count bacteria and viruses.) I decided that today’s sacred duty is to endanger the lives of as many politicians as possible. I know this is shooting fish in a barrel, but bear with me.
Good journalists will find the truth, no matter what gets in the way, even if we have to make it up. We ask the tough questions and ignore the answers if they don’t match up with our preconceived notions. Then we offer misleading evidence to support these notions. We had nothing to do with the January 6 attack in Washington DC but it showed the power of improbable bullshit.
2P News stands behind its continuing assaults on the moral character of politicians. Maybe in front too. We are dedicated to finding whatever angles we can that best frame our right to denigrate politicians and will use these angles over and over again. However, we must be diligent in laundering our vitriol through the posture of journalistic inquiry and make it all believable. Only then will our articles go as viral as Covid.
When asked about the morality of slandering politicians, we reply that we are simply not interested in getting things right. Instead we will used flawed data and spurious logic to repeatedly write the same articles over and over. There are just too many politicians around. If a few fall by the wayside, well, that’s just too bad. Courageous reporting such as ours may attract detractors, but we will soldier on safe in the knowledge that we can get away with journalistic murder.