A new fundamental law of nature whose significance is only second to Einstein's mass energy equivalence equation, E=mc^2. If you are a geoscientist, please have a 4th-grader explain the equation to you.

GENEVA, Switzerland – Scientists at the Fribourg University of Cardinal Knowledge have just proven that geologists (and all other geo”scientists”) are complete idiots. This finding confirms, mathematically, what many people have believed for decades. The study was undertaken by the university’s Department of Behavioural Science and Intelligence Assessment to finally put an end to the centuries old argument: which group is smarter? engineers or geologists.

The research was conducted on data collected internationally over a period of 36 months including tens of thousands of interviews. The group’s lead researcher, Dr. Eirik Jørgen, was ecstatic to reveal the results to a group of roughly 2,000 scientists and press members at a conference held in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider.

Dr. Jørgen, researcher

“We processed over 184 Yottabytes of data over years to come to this conclusion, and here it is: As the IQ of a brilliantly talented engineer approaches zero, the engineer effectively becomes a geologist. This Is the result of math, it is no longer speculation. It is not only experientially accurate as a joke, it is literally true as mathematical and scientific fact!” – Dr. Jørgen, P.eng., lead researcher

Perhaps the most shocking finding in the study is that geologists aren’t only stupid, but they are Stupid Squared. This principle stems from the fact that the average geologist tends to claim knowledge and certainty about a preposterous illusion, which is the science of geology.

Read More: 93.4% of geologists are overqualified

Jørgen contends that when it comes to geologists, “we are not talking about garden variety stupidity, but stupidity that breaks the known laws of nature,” he continued. In Chapter 9 of the 17-chapter study, the researchers tabulated and plotted data comparing the evolution of the intelligence quotient over the lifetime of a prototypical engineer and the geologist counterpart. The results were staggering.

The IQ evolution of a typical engineer (red) plotted against that of a geologist (green).

The plot shows that in early childhood IQs are virtually identical between the 2 control groups, but at around 10 years old, the datasets start to diverge. Kids who start to take an interest in rocks have their IQs start to slightly flatten, whereas the intelligence of kids who start to take apart toys to see how they work starts to skyrocket. A 4-year undergraduate program is where the researchers saw step changes divergence in intelligence – up for the engineers after first year, while actually become stupider after studying the science of geology for 2 semesters.

Jørgen added, “But perhaps most shocking of all is how a geologist’s IQ will fall into a retrograde pattern and actually dip below the zero mark at some point midway into their career. This behaviour is not only baffling, but it violates the second law of thermodynamics. We cannot explain it. But the data doesn’t lie. Their intelligence quotient travels back in time while physically they move forward in time and age like 7-week old milk.” Meanwhile, the data shows that the IQ of a typical engineer crosses over into super-genius levels as his or her career progresses.

Read More: Fat geologists perform better than thin geologists: Study

The group’s research has profound effects on public policy. When a geologist-turned-politician starts a conversation about climate change with, “I am not a scientist, but…,” it means that they have translated their absolute ignorance about science into a comforting self-delusion. And that’s when society should be scared.

Luckily, these complex concepts come to me very easily. That’s probably because I’m an engineer, and I’m really smart. [Editor: ***ahem*** ERTW, baby!]


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