HUDSON BAY, Quebec – As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to sweep across Canada and the world, the hope is that vaccines will be available in time to stave off many illnesses and deaths. However, it may be that not enough vaccine will be produced before the third quarter of 2021 to immunize a significant portion of the world’s population and achieve “herd immunity.”
Monsieur Pierre Francais-Allemagne, Chief Executive Officer of Hudson Bay-based Moosepeace Beer, is announcing a stopgap measure to save Canada from the worst of the pandemic. At a press conference held at corporate headquarters, Public Relations spokesman Kaposi Sarcoma said, “One among the measures that health experts recommend to keep the virus at bay is that we use a disinfectant on our hands and other body parts. The World Health Organization says that the best disinfectant contains 80% ethanol.”
According to the company’s website, Moosepeace has determined that it would be simple matter to boost the alcohol content of its beer to 80% in an effort to contain spread of the corona virus. The company already has plans to deliver the first batch of its new Bière Atomique (atomic beer) to retailers beginning tomorrow. The idea is that customers will take a swig, swish it around to destroy any virus lurking in their mouths or esophagus, and then spit a little on their hands and crotches to complete the disinfection process.
Since the product has yet to be blessed by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency (CFIA), it will initially be available on black markets throughout major centres in Quebec and by Amazonia drone delivery in unmarked fire-retardant cases.
When pressed about the dangers of consuming a beverage with 80% alcohol, Mr. Sarcoma continued,
“Of course, most of our customers are used to guzzling an entire can of Moosepeace in one gulp so we are beginning an extensive advertising campaign to alert those hosers about the need to just sip Bière Atomique. It will be in a special small can with a tiny tab opening and the label marked appropriately. Otherwise we’ll just trade Covid-19 for alcohol poisoning in the emergency rooms.”
Mr. Sarcoma concluded the press conference by handing out sample cans. Your humble correspondent can attest to the potency of the brew. Indeed, I was able to smuggle out several more cans so I could conduct a follow-up trial. I can assure you that even if I did contract the virus I wouldn’t notice.