EDMONTON, Alberta – A 31-year-old man is fighting for his life after losing his iron ring in the North Point neighbourhood early Thursday.
Police were called to reports of a man behaving erratically while motioning his arms and hands as if he were using an advanced scientific calculator, perhaps a Hewlett Packard 28s model, circa 1995.
The man, who police say was suffering from multiple contusions and significant abrasions from flailing himself around the intersection on 100th Ave and 98th Street, was transported to an area hospital after being subdued by passersby.
“When I arrived on scene I could see a group of 4 or 5 people attempting to restrain the subject who was on the ground in the middle of the intersection cursing the names of Microsoft Excel functions at the top of his lungs. I’ve never seen anything like this. I assumed he was under the influence of some narcotic, but the girl he was with claims he was perfectly sober and things ape when he realized that he had lost his engineering ring.” – Sergeant Northwhistle, EPD
According to the man’s fiancée witness statement, the two were walking down 99th Avenue after a nice evening out when she, when holding his hand, mentioned that she doesn’t feel his ring. The man then looked down to his right pinky finger, noticed a reverse tan where the ring was supposed to be, and then started to loose it.
“The instant Dan noticed his ring was missing, his eyes glazed over, his face became expressionless, and then he ran at top speed into the sandwich board sign outside of the Frank & Beans pub. He started screaming incoherently and just flailing about. There’s something about that stupid ring of his, it’s as though he can’t think without it.” – Janice, witness with the man
A recent study published in the Journal of Engineering Psychology reports that many engineers are significantly impacted without their iron ring (a special ring made of stainless steel that is bestowed upon them during a secret society ritual shortly after graduation). Although the affect can vary from one engineer to the next, the results are always negative. In some cases, engineers have been known to slip into a deep zombie-like state with IQs approaching that of an average geoscience professional. In a 2015 case from Niagara, Ontario, a non-engineer found an iron ring, donned it, was witnessed by friends as puffing out his chest, reciting the words “he who wears the iron ring is immortal and ever powerful,” before jumping off the Niagara falls to use his new-found strength to stop the water from falling. He was never seen again.
Dan Phister, of Leduc, Alberta, has been charged with 1 count of public nuisance and 6 counts of endangering the public. He is scheduled to appear in provincial court on February, 30th, 2021.