[Today Andy answers a few of the many letters he gets asking for advice. Responses have been edited to remove the worst profanities and death threats. – Editor]
I’m a truck driver in Williston, North Dakota. Things ain’t going so good in the oil fields around here and I’m thinking it might be time to move on. Trouble is, I’ve got this girlfriend and she might be pregnant. What I want to do is just leave but I’m afraid she will find out where I’m headed to and come after me. Do you have any advice on how to cover my tracks?
Worried Truck Driver
Dear Truck Schmuck,
Are you seriously the kind of man who abandons a woman because she might be pregnant? If you do decide to leave Williston, drive up to Calgary and come by the 2P News office so I can slap the shit out of you.
There are all these crazy-ass people down in the USA who keep saying that if their guy loses an election they will move to Canada. So far I haven’t seen it really happen but I’m afraid that one day it will. Should I be concerned?
Anxious in Edmonton
No need to be concerned. If any of those assholes actually come to Canada they’ll head for Quebec. Birds of a feather, you know.
That Cynthia Redbush looks like one hot lady. Have you ever gotten into her pants?
Fred from Ft. McMurray
Once at a party at her house I tried (after two six packs of Moosepeace), but her waist size is 60 cm. and mine is 86 cm. The pants were simply too small and I split the seams wide open. Same thing with her panties.
They’ve got these here new vaccines for that virus going around but I ain’t so sure about taking it. I’m afraid that the vaccines are a plot by the left-wingers to sterilize the right-thinking people like me. What do you think?
Skeptical in Hoserville
Dear Darwin Award Candidate,
By all means you and all your cretin buddies should skip getting the coronavirus shots. With dumbasses like you dropping out, it means that my turn will come up that much more quickly.
I drive a snow plow up near Moosejaw but during the two months that it isn’t snowing I don’t have much to do and I get bored. Any suggestions for what I can do during the off season?
Olaf the Snowman
Learn how to operate a paving machine and fix the goddamn roads that your plow has torn up.