Wasted Energy

BAKERSFIELD, California – As the cost of electricity in California rises and becomes unreliable due to the morons in charge of state government, the economics of operating pump jacks in the shallow oil fields of the Central Valley is becoming problematic.  At the same time, the use of new stationary natural gas engines is prohibited by air pollution regulations.  Operators are being squeezed out of business by rising costs and lower oil prices even though most pump jacks operate only a few hours each day.  They are desperate to find alternatives.

Central Valley Pump Jacks

2PNews’ own resident train driver engineer, Dr. Darcy Flowman, has invented a possible solution.  While lurking on the edge of a children’s playground he observed some vigorous activity on the seesaws (also called teeter-totters).  The rocking motion of the devices reminded him of the action of a pump jack.  He came up with a mechanical system to transfer the rocking motion of the seesaw to the pump jack.  However, he needed lots of seesaws and lots of kids to test the concept.

Ms. Agatha Hannigan

Ms. Agatha Hannigan, CEO of a for-profit chain of orphanages in the Central Valley, agreed to a test run of Darcy’s project.  She was delighted at the results, saying, “The little monsters were so tired at the end of the day that they went right to bed and didn’t stir until the next morning.  I’ll be able to cut staff.”  Ms. Hannigan said that she would be able to bring in all the undocumented immigrant children that the ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) agents separate from their parents at the U. S.-Mexico border to supplement the real orphans.

Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste

The Service Employees International Union (SEIU) got wind of the test and vowed to unionize the children and demand cookie and potty breaks.  It is unsure how the children will afford to pay the union dues.  Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste, a union organizer, immediately jumped on her bicycle in Kansas and headed toward the Central Valley.  She should arrive sometime in 2022.


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