CALGARY, Alberta – The cash taken in by 2P News for its new Looniecoin scam project was stolen in a brazen daylight robbery from its office in Calgary. The exact amount taken is unknown, pending an audit by their bookkeeper, Noah Count. A masked female perpetrator entered the office brandishing a firearm, seized the money and immediately fled. She seemed to know exactly where the money was kept.
Co-founder Dr. Darcy Flowman was quite beside himself. “Antoine [McGuilicuddy, the other co-founder] and I were counting on the Looniecoin money to fund our retirements. And now it’s gone.” Staff writer Rodecker Smith was embarrassed by his inaction. “It was so sudden that I didn’t have time to react and stop her. Besides, she had a gun and I’m chickenshit.” Andy Killinger, 2P News Staff Counselor, said, “This really pisses me off. I was intending to steal all the money myself and now someone has beaten me to it.”
Staff members were unable to describe the bandit to a police sketch artist because everything happened so fast. However, a most accurate, detailed description was given by reporter Cynthia Redbush, even though she was not in the office when the robbery took place. She explained, “I was arriving at the office when I heard such a commotion and then this woman burst from the office and I got a long, hard look at her. She was so strikingly beautiful that despite the mask her face is indelibly imprinted in my memory. For the benefit of those cowards in the office, I also had enough time to notice that when she pointed her gun at me there were no bullets in the cylinder of her revolver.”
The theft was reported to the Calgary Police Service but the chance of solving the case is remote. Sergeant Fred Scuttle is the lead investigator and he said, “There is no forensic evidence at all. The witnesses are unreliable as hell. Besides, everybody at CPS hates 2P News for their snarky reporting of our activities, so nobody’s going to break a sweat investigating. In fact, we’re wondering if a robbery actually took place or if it is just a case of covering up an embezzlement.”