“If you must see CERBY Clause – Watch Yo Pockets, just go bang your head against a concrete wall for 3 hours. It would have the same effect.” – Johnny Hustack, the Anaheim Star
“Binge watching the House of Commons question period on CPAC is 10 times more exciting than this poor shit-show excuse for a movie. Unbelievably, JT is more entertaining when he’s actually working than when he’s acting on the Silver Screen!” – Alice Renerd, the Royal Oak Journal
“I watched this movie and then my cat died. Was this supposed to happen?! ” – Joffery Cumingslow, the NW Calgary Daily News
The Bottom Line
A relentlessly aimless film whose plot and subplots meander like the wrinkles on Rachel Notley’s face, The CERBY Claus – Watch Yo Pockets (4D) offers 187 minutes of wall-to-wall boredom without a hint of style, wit, coherence, or originality, despite the stylistic antics of its protagonist, Justin Trudeau, who is a real-life former high school drama teacher.
Justin Trudeau, Drake, Celine Dion, Forest Whitaker, with a special cameo by Pierre Elliot Trudeau
The leader of a G7 country tries to save the financial situation of his nation’s citizens by making it rain billions of dollars in COVID relief. But once a keen-eyed finance critic exposes the sham, the leader finds interesting ways to take the money back in this slow-moving, melodrama that will have you wishing you were in a medically induced coma.
Transgender, non-binary Geraldine Butts’ The CERBY Clause – Watch Yo Pockets took 8 months and $175,000 to make, and it’s easy to see where the time and money have gone in the sub-par special effects and b-list actors. It’s less easy to understand how, for 8 months, Butts managed to concentrate on his ingenuity and ignore his talent. In the first few minutes, this film gets off on the wrong foot and it never recovers, despite its likeable cast and storyline that takes moviegoers back through the pains of the COVID-19 pandemic.
This more political than usual effort from Butts starts out with an interesting cast including the likes of Drake, Forest Whitaker, and a posthumous cameo by none other than Pierre Elliot Trudeau himself. The movie is set in the year 2020 in various locations across Canada, with a focus on Ottawa, Ontario. After Prime Minister Trudeau learns that the COVID-19 pandemic is wreaking havoc on the finances of employed and self-employed citizens of his great nation, he springs into action to save his fellow countryfolk.
Justin Trudeau (poorly played by Justin Trudeau), dressed in a bright pink Santa Claus suit, struggles to distribute CERB (Canada Emergency Response Benefit) cheques to Canadians fast enough in his fairy dust-powered sleigh. So he enlists the help of LaShawn Jenkins (who, due to medical issues, is played by a hologram likeness of hip-hop superstar Drake), who is able expedite the process and help Justin make it rain. The two of them are able to drop benefits like it’s hot to the tune of over $340B in just 5 months starting March, 2020.
Things are going just fine until the feisty Conservative finance critic, Mike Oxlong (played by Forest Whitaker), receives a cheque in his chimney and asks himself, “Where in Sam Heck is this money coming from, y’all?” After some forensic accounting, he realizes that Justin Trudeau’s government is issuing bonds, and then printing money to buy most of the bonds from itself! Aimed at stopping this circular fiduciary madness, Mike Oxlong challenges the CERB payments bill in parliament and files a formal complaint with the ethics commissioner.
Fearing that he could be staring down the barrel of his 4th ethics investigation, but having no idea what to do next, Justin hires a well-known medium Jancy Noesbluster (played by Celine Dion) to consult with his late, great father for some advice. Pierre Elliot instructs his protégé to ask for the money back. Here’s a quote from this scene in the film,
“Justin, my dear son, if the people don’t givE back your money, then I want you to get out there and take it. Stop at nothing to take back what is rightfully yours. And start with the western provinces, in particular, that filthy province known as Alberta. Use a very heavy hand with those bastards because they must suffer, and suffer dearly under a next generation trudeau reign – what I started in the mid-80s with the NEP was not enough, it is up to you, son, to carry on the torment… to rub acid into their wounds, to break them. i want you to break them, son, and have no mercy on those from the west!!!” – Pierre Eliott Trudeau
Justin, reinvigorated from his father’s pep talk, initiates a project code-named Life Father Like Son, where he enlists the help of Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) minions to infiltrate the Canadian masses and recovery the billions handed out. In true 4D fashion, theatres were equipped with machines that actually dropped replicas of CERB cheques into the audience. And the children of CRA employees are instructed to scurry through dark theatres snatching the purses and wallets of unsuspecting moviegoers in an effort to support real-life cause of taking back the money.
The last 45 minutes of the film is spent anxiously waiting for all of the heavily foreshadowed danger around Project LFLS to come to head, which it does in a plethora of melodramatic scenes featuring Justin leading a group of angry, violent mobs of CRA agents.
Keeping in trend with Butt’s other industry movie attempts, The CERBY Clause – Watch Yo Pockets was an unmitigated disaster. The film grossed nearly $1,348 over its debut weekend, which is roughly only $156,000,000 less than the #1 movie. But despite the movie’s failure, there are reports of Justin Trudeau’s popularity rating taking a 60% boost driven entirely by pity for the fella known as Canada’s sugar daddy.
In closing, I’d like to say that the movie could have been good, but during the entire thing my eyes hurt. I was not tired and the screen was the correct distance away from me, but my eyes continued to hurt. In light of this, 2P News gives this movie 0.49 out of 5 stars. [Edit: It turns out I had conjunctivitis.] Expect to see this title on BetaMax within a week.