CALGARY, Alberta – The famous Northern Lights, more formally known as Aurora Borealis (AB), announced today that it would no longer appear over North America until the Canadian government apologizes for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau calling it “just a spooky glow in the sky.”
In an interview with 2P News, the AB stated, “I bring in a lot of tourist money to northern Canada. Much of the First Nations’ folklore is centered on my being the spirits of dead ancestors and animals. That makes a lot better story than being just an aerial phenomenon. The tour guides make a big deal out of the legends and that’s cool. Then along comes Trudeau who mocks everything about me and First Nations’ mythology.”
It was pointed out that Trudeau hasn’t been any farther north than Ottawa and has probably never even seen an aurora and wouldn’t know one from a neon sign. Also, AB is quite ephemeral and its appearance is hit or miss. It seemed to be quite insulted and replied, “OK, OK, I know that I depend on the sun to supply the solar wind electrons that power me and my southern hemisphere sibling Aurora Australis. And we need the Earth’s magnetic field. But, few things are more spectacular.”
AB went on to add that, “Just remember that a major solar flare is capable of frying electrical equipment all over the world. The sun and I are really tight buds, so don’t piss off either one of us. Do that and Sol will toss a solar flare at Earth that will make me appear all the way down to Ecuador, knock out every satellite in orbit and take down the entire global electrical grid. Try watching your TikTok then.”
When asked why it was being so truculent, AB admitted that all the pollutants being dumped into the atmosphere by human activity and Justin Bieber’s last album was giving it a massive headache.