Superman vs Captain Marvel

CALGARY, Alberta – I’ve already talked about our newsroom debate over the probable outcome of a Godzilla versus Gamera matchup.  Over a case or two of Moosepeace, we also considered the relative merits of comic book Superman and the original comic book Captain Marvel (not the new movie female Captain Marvel or the Marvel Captain Marvel).  Here is what we think is the most important information about each:

 Superman                          Captain Marvel

Secret Identity                 Clark Kent,                         Billy Batson,

Wimpy Reporter                  Wimpy Newsboy

Powers                           Super Strength, X-Ray          Super Strength,

       Vision, Flying, etc.                Flying, etc., etc.

Genitalia                         None apparent                     None apparent

Weakness                       Kryptonite                           Poison Gas

Arch Enemy                    Lex Luthor                           Dr. Sivana

Main Squeeze                 Lois Lane                             Lois Lane*

Costume Colors              Red, Blue & Gold                  Red and Yellow

Believes In                    Truth, Justice &                    Communism

      The American Way

*Superman was the last to find out!


It was clear to me that Captain Marvel was a communist.  His costume was the same colors as the USSR flag (note the dominant red) and he was unscrupulous enough to move in on Superman’s girlfriend.  The lightning bolt on his chest looked suspiciously like the hammer in the hammer & sickle symbol.  Dr. Sivana referred to him as “that big red cheese.”  To transform from Billy Batson into Captain Marvel he had to say the word “Shazam!”  This is almost identical to “Ŝħïξžàąm” that in Albanian means “Death to Capitalism!”  Plus, his cape was this fruity over-one-shoulder thing.  Flowman and McGuilicuddy say I’m full of crap, but I know a commie when I see one.  I bet he knows how to speak Russian and Mandarin.  And what army commissioned him a captain?

P. S.  The original artist for Captain Marvel comic books used the actor Fred McMurray as his model. At least McMurray wasn’t a Hollywood pinko, as far as I know.  Indeed, he was a staunch Republican, aligned with Ronald Reagan.


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