CALGARY, Alberta – Mr. Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, Chief Executive Officer of Bendovus Petroleum, announced today that the company is sponsoring the Calgary entry into the newly formed Zamboni Racing League. Bendovus will be the only oil company sponsoring a team. Mr. Dèng added, “I wrote it into the contract that Bendovus could be the only sponsor from the petroleum industry so that asshat Max Avarice at TexxonMogul couldn’t jump in and screw things up!”
Among the innovations for the league, there is no gender bias among participants at all. Indeed, all-female teams are encouraged. Races will be held on 400-meter speed-skating ovals and limited to eight machines at a time. A heat and final format will be used. Coming shortly after the announcement of Bud Clydesdale’s moose-racing track, Canadians and especially Albertans will have more local entertainment choices than ever.
The teams that have committed to forming the league are:
The Calgary Cloggers, sponsored by Bendovus Petroleum.
The Edmonton Slipsliders, sponsored by the Edmonton Mall.
The Vancouver Vacuums, sponsored by the Chinese Communist Party.
The Regina Vaginas, sponsored by Tampax.
The Winnipeg Wimps, sponsored by the Liberal Party.
The Surrey Hussies, sponsored by Madame Wang’s Oriental Motion Lotion.
The Calgary team is putting its hopes on an innovative machine called the Predator. Team Engineer I. C. Knadds is confident that his modifications will make the Predator the dominate machine in the league. He explained, “The lame-ass original engine has been replaced with a W-16 engine from a wrecked Bugatti Chiron that makes about 1500 horsepower. The real trick is getting all that horsepower to actually move the vehicle without simply melting a hole in the ice. How we do that is proprietary but believe me it works. The rest of the ‘bonies will be left in the dust.”
Safety is pretty much an afterthought when building a racing Zamboni. There are precious few rules. A seat belt is required but that’s about all. However, the league will have a special firetruck/ambulance at every race to handle the expected casualties.