Russia’s Vladimir Putin Loves Dick’s

**Note: This article was originally posted on November 28th, 2014.***

CALGARY, Alberta – Earlier this week renowned foodie and gastro-blogger Miles Waistwant presented a little known political factoid to his millions of fans and dedicated readers.   Richard N. Fallis, owner and operator of Dick’s Candy Emporium in Calgary, Alberta, revealed to Miles in a candid interview that current Russian president Vladimir Putin has an inordinate fondness for Dick’s.

The Russian Embassy in OTTAWA orders candies from my shop by the truckload and has me ship them directly to the Kremlin in Moscow as well. By far the most popular item is my layered hard candy called “The Big One” that releases different flavors as it melts in your mouth. This is Mr. Putin’s absolute favorite.

Most of the photos you see of Mr. Putin seem to show him scowling, but it fact he has that appearance because he’s sucking on a Big One. – Mr. Fallis, quoted from Waistwant’s interview

2P News has learned that this is indeed true.  Shipping manifests and Embassy revenue statements confirm that the Russians order large quantities, primarily Putin’s reported favourite Dick’s, The Big One.  Mr. Fallis told Waistwant that the secret to The Big One is that the individual layers are laid down and semented together like a brick wall, so your tongue is always in contact with something unexpected.

Exotic flavour profiles include Bangkok Banana, Phuket Plum, Amsterdam Apple, and of course a few layers with hints of Brazilian nuts. Every piece has a random and diverse selection of flavours, so each Big One is a unique oral experience.  Remember to always suck and never bite The Big One though, since the proprietary sement used to form the layers is quite hard and could damage your teeth.

2P also discovered that the Russians’ second most favorite Dick’s candy is fudge. The documentation we retrieved also notes moderate quantities of custom formed and flavoured Dick’s Fudge.  Specifically, they want it in a certain shape rather than the usual flat, rectangular pieces. It was ordered as a long cylinder about 3 cm in diameter, pinched off into segments about 25 cm long.  Dubbed on invoices as the KaKa, possibly named after the renowned Russian fudge maker Kazack Kamarov.

According to sources in Edmonton, Mr. Putin was introduced to Dick’s by former Alberta premier Alison Redford. When quizzed by 2P News, Ms. Redford replied,

I’ve never been a big fan of Dick’s, but I felt that President Putin would enjoy Dick’s immensely and I was right. He can’t seem to get enough Dick’s. In fact, I would speculate that his devotion to Dick’s is what led to his recent divorce. – Former Premier Redford

According to Waistwant’s interview, Dick’s Candy is planning to expand current production facilities in order to tap into additional foreign markets. He exclaimed,

All a man like Putin needed was one taste and he was hooked on Dick’s forever!  Think of the market share in the Middle East!  Iran, Syria, Iraq, Libya!  In 12 months I could have all of Putin’s closet friends craving Dick’s!

[Editor’s Note: Vladimir Putin is the second biggest dick to ever set foot on our planet.]