CALGARY, Alberta – A coalition of western province beavers has organized an expeditionary force to travel to Ukraine and assist in repelling the Russian invaders. A spokesbeaver told 2P News that Canada isn’t doing nearly enough to combat Putin’s delusions of empire and that the beavers could have a major impact on the conflict. When asked how they intended to accomplish this, he said, “We noticed that the Russian tanks and trucks were easily bogged down in mud. Right now the winter snow is melting. What we will do is build dams across every gully and creek in the path of the Russians so they will fill with water and create mud and water hazards that will entrap the Russian vehicles. Then the Javelins can blow the shit out of them. Easy peasy.”
He added, “Look, since people quit hunting us to near extinction and recognized our importance to the ecosystem, we’ve become patriotic Canadians and willing to do our part. I can only speak for western Canadian beavers. Those chickenshits in the east won’t lift a paw.” The level of commitment is unprecedented. Entire beaver families will take part, not just military-age males. A large number of American beavers have asked if they could join the ranks, but the intent is to make this an All-Canadian operation.
Captain Jerry Mathers of the Royal Canadian Air Force has been appointed liaison with the Canadian Beaver Expeditionary Force (CBEF). His task is to gather the beavers together, load them on RCAF CC-130J Hercules transports and fly them to Poland. From Poland they will be moved by truck to locations selected by the Ukrainians. Since they are not human, Russia can’t claim that NATO is actively sending soldiers to Ukraine. Captain Mathers has secured a guarantee from the Ukraine government that the beavers will not be skinned and turned into hats and winter coats.
Even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is impressed with the beavers’ patriotism. A civilian member of the Canadian Forest Service will accompany the beavers to help them select the best species of trees to use. Trudeau added, “Perhaps other Canadian wildlife will be inspired to take part. Just image what a battalion of armoured mooses [sic] could accomplish against Russian infantry!”