EDMONTON, Alberta – Calgary Stampede organizers typically put on a door crasher event that is sure to draw tens of thousands of visitors to the Greatest Show on Earth and this year is no exception. This year’s marquee event will feature Premier Jason Kenney and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in a bull-riding contest. That’s right. The two will be featured at as the half-time show at the 2019 Rangeland Derby at the Stampede Grandstand.
The event will be streamed internationally on a pay-per-view basis and is expected to draw an estimated 60,000 visitors to the derby and over 20,000,000 viewers online. The event’s organizer and promoter tells 2P News about the genesis of the idea.
“Jason Kenney approached us shortly after he was elected asking permission to formally challenge who he called the ‘Pretty Pony’ to a bull-riding at this year’s Stampede, and I was like, ‘HELLS YAASSS!! What red-blooded Albertan wouldn’t want to see that?’ The idea was that if Jason won, then Bills C-69 and C-48 would be dropped, but if Justin won, then they would be passed without any concessions to Jason and his conservative party. Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed, and now Jason just wants to pay it backwards a little bit,” Jimmy Handcox, the event’s promoter, told 2P News.
Asked about whether or not this event could possibly cause a major stir for the upcoming fall election, the PMO said “it certainly can, but we want to show the world, especially those from right here in Canadiana, that our leader is far more than a pioneer in the drink-box-water-bottle-sort-of-thing industry, he is also tougher than a two dollar steak, despite his very fragile hair.”
The Calgary Stampede Organizing Committee, in conjunction with the fine folks that oversee the Rangeland Derby, have set out some clear rules for the contest.
- The 2 contestants will ride head-to-head on identical bulls.
- Kenney has chosen to ride bareback, whereas Trudeau insists that his bull is equipped with a western saddle and that he sits backwards on the horn of it while wearing nothing but ass-less chaps.
- The contestant who is able to stay on his bull the longest wins a round.
- There will be a total of five 2-minute rounds, and the first to win 3 rounds wins the competition.
- There will be 3 rodeo clowns to protect a fallen rider. They will be former Alberta premiers Rachel “Skelator” Notley, Alison “How Much Did That Cost?” Redford, and “I’m so Not Ready Steady” Eddie Stelmach.
- To rile up the bulls while they are in the pen, they will be shown images of Premiers Horgan (BC) and Legault (QC).
- If the contest is a draw after the 5 rounds, a winner will be declared by a pole-dancing contest.
It was not clear if there would be any other contestants, although there are rumours abound that Andrew Scheer was asked to participate but he declined due to soft hands, and he was already booked to teach a toastmasters course titled, “How to speak so softly and with zero conviction so that nobody ever takes you seriously.”
When asked about Scheer’s absence from the bull riding contest, Justin Trudeau responded, “Oh, haha, yeah, in some ways Jason and I are lucky that Andrew is not participating because he would have a significant advantage over us seeing as he has no balls!”