CALGARY, ALBERTA – Many publications print a bunch of bullshit about what they believe will happen in the future. We’re not immune to this exercise in futility, especially since we specialize in bullshit. Now that the first quarter is done, without further ado or doo doo, 2P News presents its fearless forecast for what to expect in the new year, 2023:
- Justin Trudeau will say something stupid.
- Justin Trudeau will do something stupid.
- Joe Biden will do the same.
- Donald Trump will do the same.
- The price of crude oil will go up and down.
- Andy Killinger will piss off everyone. Again and again.
- You will need another Covid shot and it will make you sick.
- Actor/wrestler Dwayne Johnson will reveal that he is called “The Rock” because he is secretly a geologist.
- The planet Saturn will be discovered to be floating in a cosmic bathtub, thus explaining its rings.
- People stupid enough to buy cryptocurrency are stupid enough to vote for the New Democratic Party.
- Nostradamus will be reincarnated as a gas station attendant in Moosejaw. However, all he can predict is that the Flames will continue to suck.
- All the dead Russian soldiers who murdered Ukrainian civilians will be used by Satan to dig the deepest, hottest pit in Hell’s history for Putin and his crew.
- It will snow in Calgary.
- It will snow everywhere in Alberta.
- It will snow everywhere in Canada.
- Chinese spy balloons will become uneconomic due to inflation.
- Chinese spies in North American will become uneconomic because there are so damned many of them.
- Words that rhyme with silver, orange and purple will be found.
- A recount of the holes in Blackburn, Lancashire will show there are 4,042 rather than 4,000.
- Chatbots will replace oil and gas executives and the world will be better for it.
- The letters q, c and x will be declared redundant and stricken from the alphabet.
So there you have it! We will follow up later this year to see how many of these predictions come true.
