HOUSTON, Texas – Hollimorton’s reasearch division announced today that it has created a new chemical stimulation treatment that significantly accelerates the diagenesis process so that oil can be created in a reservoir over a 2 to 3 week period. Although industry analysts are somewhat skeptical of these claims, Hollimorton has laboratory experiment results and a number of Hollimorton-lead pilots that it claims shows that the new chemical workover is very effective.
The process, which Hollimorton calls Bacteria Under Limestone Shale Hydrogen Ion Transformation (which we have abbreviated to BULSHIT), involves 3 easy-to-use steps.
- Step 1: Copious volumes of ocean-sourced algae is injected into depleted limestone oil reservoirs, chased by their proprietary chemical.
- Step 2: The injection wells are shutin during which time the chemical treatment endothermically reacts with the algae in an accelerated diagenesis process which converts the algae into light oil. This process continues until the shutin wellhead pressure exceeds a specified threshold, after which the oil has fully formed, and the reservoir is ready to be produced.
- Step 3: The wells are then turned on and, thanks to an initial pressure that is significantly greater than the original initial pressure (sometimes 4 or 5 times as high), oil will flow to surface for years, if not decades to follow.
This 3-step process is illustrated in the image below that was conveniently provided by the Hollimorton research group.
There are rumours throughout the industry that this process is impossible and that Hollimorton is releasing this press in an effort to stabilize its falling stock price. Dr. Mark Granite, Chief petrophysicist with Bark Resources, challenges this discovery as he goes on to say,
It is impossible to accelerate the diagenesis process, simply impossible. I’ve been in this industry long enough to know that this cannot happen.
Those guys over at Hollimorton are up to something very shady, which is very uncharacteristic for a company of its heritage and blemish-free history.
Reporters with Proved Plus Probable Weekly News asked Hollimorton to release concrete evidence that the BULSHIT workover process actually works, but we were told that,
I’ve told you once before, and I’m not going to tell you assholes again, we misplaced the keys to the laboratory that stores the proof positive evidence of this new process. And the field pilots were destroyed in a localized category F7 tsunami that swept through our test field area the other day. It didn’t make the news because nobody was injured.
You must believe me when I tell you that it works, and that you should purchase as many Hollimorton shares as you can as quickly as you can – it is in your best interest
Further attempts to contact officials from Hollimorton were denied. The company only reiterated that the new chemical treatment works, they apologize for not being able to provide concrete evidence proving so, and that its stock price is excellent value at this point in time.