PENTICTON, British Columbia – Darryl Chesobe, a 47 year old man from Penticton British Columbia, has been charged with aggravated assault causing bodily harm after a vehicular assault in Kelowna over the weekend. Angry and reportedly fed up with the oil and gas industry and its lies, Darryl drove his Toyota Prius at high speed down a thoroughfare and through the front windows of a Starbucks coffee shop, injuring 6 people and destroying the front of the venue in the process.
We arrived on the scene at 11:35 Sunday morning. Mr. Chesobe was hurt badly, but wandering around muttering and yelling threats at the staff and any one still able to listen. He was very angry about Starbucks participation in oil and gas? Whatever that means. We had to wait for paramedics to treat him before we could arrest him. He’s been taken into custody now and won’t be released until a thorough evaluation of his mental stability can be completed. – Sgt. Henderson Nevada, RCMP
Monday morning, once Mr. Chesobe had calmed down and was able to be questioned by police, reporters were privy to a manifesto written by Mr. Chesobe prior to his high speed assault. A friend of the environment, Mr. Chesobe claims that he came across a recent announcement on an oil and gas news website, Proved Plus Probable News, that Starbucks would be participating in future oil and gas fracture projects. This information simply drove him over the edge of madness. He planned to take out just the building, but the voices in his head told him to just do it, and any civilians inside would be saved by the spirit of Al Gore.
I have listened and I have heard the words from the Great Gore. I heed the words of his wisdom as I partake in this vital mission for the safety of our Mother Earth. I will not let the impureness of the oil giants stain the reputation of my brethern at the Starbucks. I will now taketh on a mission of great importance and I hope the Great Gore sees my act as a victory, and a triumph over evil. – Excerpt from the Manifesto De Chesobe, 2013
It is expected that all 6 patrons injured in the incident will be discharged from medical care with no permanent injury or debilitations. Starbucks has offered each patron a lifetime of free coffee for their injuries, as part of a settlement to avoid future litigation. Darryl Chesobe will face the charges as written thus far, unless a psychiatric professional deems him not able to stand trial, in which case he will be stripped of his drivers license for 2 years released on his own recognizance.