The Milky Way Galaxy – file photo

CALGARY, Alberta – Carbon dioxide (CO2), the heat-trapping gas created as a by-product of burning fossil fuels, is pushing the world into dangerous territories, and ever so quickly closing the window of time remaining to avert the worst consequences of higher temperatures, which will ultimately lead to melting ice and rising oceans and an increase in the clinical diagnosis of 3rd degree indigestion.

A study published just this morning in the Journal of Active Environmentalism is now blaming the burning of fossil fuels for decreasing the earth’s mass and therefore putting it in danger of leaving its orbit around the Sun.

Dr. River Birdsong, P.Geo.

The ecoscientists in the group that authored the study, lead by me, estimates that the earth’s current mass of 5.972E24 kg, is 0.00000000001% less than it was when it was formed roughly 4.54 billion years ago.

Our calculations show that if we continue to burn fossil fuels to the point that this mass is 0.000000001% less, then we are in trouble. We are not sure where the mass is going, but we are sure it is going somewhere.  Our models predict that at that point our planet will no longer be massive enough to stay in orbit, and that’s no laughing matter. – Dr. River Birdsong, P.Geo., Chief Ecogeoscientist

The study’s authors conclude the report by recommending that a moratorium be placed on the burning of fossil fuels worldwide effective January 1st, 2015. The author’s claim that if the deadline is not met, then the earth may reach a critical anti-mass that will spell the beginning of the end of life on earth, roughly 178 million years from now.

According to the study, the earth will leave its orbit on a tangent.  It will spin off its current axis and into a path steered by the gravity of the other planets in our solar system as earth exits the Milky Way.  All life on earth will freeze in temperatures near absolute zero within a few months, just like that movie with Demi Quade.

Rendition of the planet earth within days of leaving orbit, freezing over as it moves away from the Sun

The study has been met with considerable backlash from the petroleum industry and people who burn fossil fuels in an effort to sustain life. Chuck Thomas, the interim president of the International Fossil Fuel Burning Group of Countries (IFFBGC), who read the study in fine detail, finds it foundationless and void of any scientific or environmental merit.

Although it is true that burning fossil fuels might be removing mass from the earth, you have to think about all the stuff that we are building all over the place in developing countries. When a 80 storey office tower is erected in China, do you think that is not adding mass back to the earth? Well you damn right it is! And buildings weigh a whole lot more than oil or gas.

Or what about when it rains or snows? That is additional mass right there that is offsetting the mass lost to putting oil and gas to everyday good use. Who do those idiots who authored the study think they are? – Chuck Thomas, P.Eng.

Amidst all of the controversy surrounding the study, its technical and environmental validity will be reviewed by a panel of environmental and petroleum scientists based out of The Hague, Netherlands, who just so happened to be employed by a research division of Royal Dutch Shell.


  1. Dear Chuck,

    The materials used for buildings and the natural cycles of rain and snow are part of the pre-existing weight. The burning of oil into a gas takes pre-existing weight and evaporates it into a gas, changing the earths future weight and maybe its ability to remain in its life sustaining orbit around the sun.

  2. Thanks for commenting, LAS. Ummmm… errrr… yeah… I don’t know what to say… this article is satire, it’s not real, just having some fun on the Internets. You must be an engineer.

  3. Thankyou for sharing your learnings. It has felt like the planet has lost it’s bearings ever since the start of the oil glut in November 2014.


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