EDMONTON, Alberta – In a first of its kind in Canadian business, or any business, 2 former premiers of the same province have joined forces to form and incorporate a commercial enterprise. The province: Alberta. The premiers: Redford and Stelmach. The enterprise: Oil and gas exploration and production.
Ed Stelmach, the company’s soon to be President and COO, held a short-notice press release at 9 o’clock this morning to announce the news.
Some of you may have been wondering what Alison Redford has been up to since she quit her job a couple of months ago and seemingly vanished as though Criss Angel turned her into a random pig on a strange farm in Indiana. Well, I’d like to tell you that she has been very, very busy. But instead of doing her real job of representing the interests of her constituents in legislature, she has been busy pursuing her true passion – to build a successful business in a province that no longer appreciates her. I introduce Hasbeen Resources Inc. We are very excited to take this next, and likely final, step in our careers together. – Ed Stelmach, speaking at a remote fundraiser outside a Taco Bell in Whitecourt
The Lamont, Alberta-based company is currently staffing up and plans to start drilling in 2015 Q1. Redford, who holds the titles of CEO and CFO, BFB, and UAFC, for the oil and gas startup has ideas to run Hasbeen Resources a little differently from the way that conventional operators are run.
“After we raise enough money to kickoff our 2015 development plan, I will leverage my extensive experience of spending funds belonging to the general public in an exceptionally prudent manner. Despite struggling on The Price is Right a few months ago, I actually am very familiar with how much things cost and I spend money with absolute transparency and with full accountability,” chortled Mrs. Redford at the press conference.
According to a brochure made available to 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith, here are a few of the highlights describing how the company will be run:
1) All capital will be generated exclusively by campaign fundraising efforts. A field office trailer will be setup at every prospective well location manned by a campaign supervisor who will collect all monies. People who arrive without money will be forced to view a nude photo of either Redford or Stelmach for 4 hours with eyelids taped open. Reports from a Kinkos in Edmonton hint that there are 10:1 hard copy prints available of Stelmach vs. Redford due to catastrophic copier failure.
2) Development plans are decided by a voting process that is held by a group of 12 Development Engineering Council Members, where majority rules. All votes may be vetoed by Stelmach or Redford if they wake up and decide they just KNOW what is right. Efforts to dissuade their decision may be met with strong horrifying glares, death, or both.
3) If a decision on development is made by Stelmach but leads to mass confusion due to excessive “farmer speak,” members of the board may vote on what he said and then ask Redford to interpret their conclusions. If Redford is unable to decipher what the board thought Steady Eddy said, the issue will be swept under the proverbial rug and ignored until a shareholder brings it up in the next fiscal year.
4) If a decision on development is made by Allison Redford but leads to mass confusion due to excessive “Vitamin R,” members of the board may ask her ex-husband to try and interpret what the hell she wants. In the event that fails, Redford will be ignored for a period of 3 months while she isolates herself to wallow in self pity and denial about her mental competency.
The company also plans to collect the abundant CH4 collected from legislative debate and tie it into a small facility to run an advanced CH4 Fire Flood EOR pilot that it plans to execute in 2016. Talk of muzzling members of the legislature with gas collection masks will likely stall completion of this project inevitably.
Official opposition leader with the Alberta Wildrose Party thinks the idea is absolute nonsense, but admits that she, “was recently approached by an unidentified silhouetted figure in a dark alley asking her if she’d like to join Hasbeen Resources as a senior advisor.”
Both Edward “Stelly” Stelmach and Alison “Big Spender” Redford vehemently deny this rumour, although they both admitted that they wouldn’t mind getting into bed with Mrs. Smith.