COLLEGE STATION, Texas – The once friendly rivalry between Texas A&M University (TAMU) and the University of Texas reached new heights today after the former accused the latter of architecting one of the biggest hoaxes in the modern history of the oil and gas industry; nay, one of the biggest scams in the history of everything.

According to an article published in the College Station Coffee News tri-fold, a group of 4th year Geology students on a rock tour on the outskirts of Brownsville, TX, happened upon a series of odd looking pipelines and isolation risers near the Texas-Mexico border. And after a closer look, the group started to piece together what was going on.

The group’s leader, Professor Brady Tooler, describes what he saw:

Dr. Brady Tooler, P.Geo.

We’ll let me tell y’all, it was the darnedest thing we seen over there yonder in dem trees, y’all. First we were looking at some laminated humicky cross beds when Deborah hollered at me to take a look at something just past the trees.

We approached the area and wouldn’t you know it? We seen a whole mess of pipelines coming up and over the US border. And when we got even closer, we seen a label on the US side that had “Eagleford” on it, and another sticker on the other side that had “Sinaloa” on it. And an arrow was pointing from the Mexico side to the US side. We all figured somebody was illegally moving some oil. – Dr. Brady Tooler, professor of geology, Texas A&M

It turns out that Brady’s figurin’ was bang on.  The “Sinoloa” side of the pipeline was tied into an extensive black market oil field and processing plant belonging to, and operated by, the Siniloa Cartel – the 3rd most notorious Mexican cartel on the FBI’s watch list. The other side fed into a massive injection facility that fed “source” oil into the entire Eagleford shale oil play.

Each one of the tens of 15′ risers was equipped with a reservoir transfer pump, whose sole job it was to move the oil from Mexico to the US.  After more digging, it was 2P News’ field reporter Rodecker Smith that determined the pumps must have been installed a few feet from the border on the US side so that service technicians would not need passports to service them.

One of the risers that spanned the US/Mexico border
One of the risers that spanned the US/Mexico border

The injection facility, as well as the production program on the southern side of the border, was designed by a group of engineers and geologists employed by the University of Texas.  After further investigation, there are many economic and design clues proving the Eagleford hoax was perpetrated by U of T staff and students.  The international oil and gas industry, along with millions of investors are in complete shock over this discovery.

“This cannot be happening,” exclaimed the head of the Texas Oil and Gas Commission, Dolly Mitchell, when asked about the scandal. She continued, “To think that the entire Eagleford shale oil play was fabricated by a team from the University of Texas is unfathomable. Exactly how they managed to pull this off remains to be seen, but I can tell you one thing, someone is in for a good old-fashioned, Texas-sized butt-kickin’.”

Early reports from an ongoing investigation being conducted by the FBI, DEA, local law enforcement, and NATO, has unveiled a tangled web of deceit that is typically the fiction of Hollywood blockbusters. So far, officials have determined that a group of engineering, geology, and economics grad students and professors participated in the plot, with intentions of growing their bank accounts by sitting on the board of major E&P players in the Eagleford expanse.  Padding their wallets by playing the roles of experts in the field, when really they planned the entire charade from the get-go.

T.J. Nooner, Director @ TAMU

It’s pretty obvious why ‘dem U of T dip-chits did what they darn done.  You just can’t expect people with that that kind of handicap to act like the rest of y’all.  They just do.  And we must have forgiveness for the slower people on this Earth, for as God said, “Though do I walk through the valley of Texas, I shall fear no Longhorn, but I shall deliver him to his tricycle, with a box of play doh and crayons.” – T.J. Nooner, Director of Talent Draft, TAMU

Stay tuned to 2P News for the latest developments on this investigation as they become available.

<While we have your attention, please consider voting in the poll that you see on the right side of this page. It is completely anonymous. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll vote for the “Engineer” category. Darcy: 1, Antoine: 0. Cheers!>


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here