DEADMONTON, Alberta – After a formal review by Alberta’s Supreme Crown Prosecutor, Jim Prentice and many of his Conservative Party of Alberta cohorts are facing a myriad of charges stemming from their brazen actions of late in Alberta. After the recent bludgeon of taxation and fees, it seems they are intent on beating Albertans to a bored, bloody pulp with a useless election in May.
We have determined that the Conservative Party, and Little Jimmy, as he apparently likes to be called, have been assaulting Albertans with this recent barrage of activity. By the letter of the law, it is our responsibility to file criminal charges against the group of rogue politicians and put them in jail where they belong. So far we have filed no less than 435 charges against various individuals. We intend to see this through. – Gertrude Homly-Smodgeon, Assistant to the Manager of the Alberta Crown Attorney’s Office
The charges largely stem from the recently proposed budget and election call, but the crimes are various and most are rarely, if ever, seen in courtrooms.
It seems the prosecuting team involved has pulled out all the stops to put Little Jimmy and his Merry Band of Scammers in their place.
2P News has received a list of the top ten charges faced by Alberta’s current leadership.
- Assault with Intent to Bend-Over – The Conservatives are intent on using the “lots-a-lube” technique to get more money from Albertans, leaving the government and corporate lackeys in the driver’s position. And we all know that’s A-Okay.
- Public Lewdness – This charge speaks for itself. Too much of Little Jimmy on television seems to be offending almost everyone. Hey Jimmy, it’s called Just For Men. Fix it. You look worse than Harper. And those eyebrows, or dare we say “wings,” they can be trimmed, or in your case clipped.
- Criminal Deception of the Public – The Conservatives are hoping we didn’t notice the new fleet of G5 jets in Edmonton. While technically on loan from Bendovus Energy, the lack of a corporate tax hike in connection with recently announced “Jet-To-Go” policy indicates a strong alliance between Deng and Little Jimmy.
- Criminal Friendliness – The Conservative government is guilty of being friends with, or aiding, Alison Redford wherever she may be. We can’t prove where she is, but she is receiving unsanctioned ‘shout-outs’ from various Conservative members on social media. After her screw-ups, we thought she was exiled to isolation in Ontario?
- Coercion & Corruption – Prentice stole the Wildrose favourite and ran her out on her ass. Danielle had a moment of weakness for Ol’ Slick Jimmy, but it shall be avenged.
- Criminal Wasting of Albertan’s Time – Calling an election so soon is self-serving and ridiculous. Little Jimmy simply wanted to trend on Twitter and become a huge search result on Bing. Really Jimmy? Only idiots use Bing.
- Conduct Unbecoming An Albertan – Most, if not all of the current Conservative Party are an embarrassment to Alberta. They will be charged with one count each. If convicted, each conviction requires a 5 years sentence in Quebec without parol or conjugal visits.
- Hate Crimes – Little Jimmy will be charged with 4 million counts of Targeted Hate Crimes. After recent changes and policies, it is clear he hates most Albertans. It is assumed he may like roughly 200,000 of them, so 4 million charges will be laid. Each carries a mandatory sentence of 6 months in medieval stocks on Jim’s Ranch, near Westlock.
- Aggravated Battery – Prentice and the Conservatives have managed to aggravate every employee of every oilfield battery in Alberta. (not aggravated batteries, like Redford)
- Identity Fraud & Forgery – Jim Prentice, aka Little Jimmy, will be charged with one count of pretending to be a nice, typical, good hearted guy who cares about Alberta. If convicted, he will also face forgery charges for signing documents as the previously mentioned nice guy.
While there are hundred more charges to be laid, 2p News is sure these are the most interesting. Of course, we expect all persons involved to retain legal counsel of some sort or another, or simply represent themselves, which they seem pretty damn good at so far.