CALGARY, Alberta – Last week Tim Hortons pulled an advertising campaign from its in residential television network after an environmental lobbyist group petitioned to have an oil and gas company’s advertising removed.  The petition, led by American funded pay-to-protest wing nuts the likes of Nikki Skuce, somehow convinced the one-time Canadian-based coffee goliath to pull down its Enbridge advertising for sending offensive content.   The debacle, which was pushed further into a swirling spiral of social media by Jason Kenney, Ezra Levant, and Alberta Wildrose leader Brian Jean, has now ended in a rather astute decision from Enbridge. The pipeline division of Enbridge has been tasked with shutting down all donut batter pipelines to Alberta based Tim Hortons locations.

im Randersmith
Enbridge PRD Jim Randersmith

We respected their decision to pull our ads, that was their perogative.  But when we got word they were going to use the fiasco to get out of our contract and replace our ads with TransCanada propaganda for Keystone, we were outraged.  We have had an exclusive contract to pipeline their proprietary batter mixture to all Tim Hortons locations in Alberta through a 21,000 mile network of 2 inch pipeline.  Those valves are being closed and we will reroute all batter for the foreseeable future.  We are sad to say, TImmies will have to get their donuts elsewhere. – Jim Randersmith, public relations delegate for Enbridge

While most of the public was not aware of the infrastructure Timmies needed to operate at full capacity, it seems that there will now be a severe shortage of donuts and Timbits.  The canadian coffee superpower will now need to find a new source for the 450,000 pounds of donuts batter consumed each day by Albertans. It is possible to source some of the supply from Saskatchewan, but it will be hard to convince external location to give up a supply they will surely need to operate at full capacity.

I’d love to help, but what will I feed all my damn seniors?  They each eat 2 donuts, plus those contractors, and the oil guys, then there’s  the farmers, their kids, and wives, and the police!  Good Lord don’t forget the police! I need every drop of batter I can get.  Sorry Alberta, you’ll have to do without. – Lenny Trag, Owner of Tim Hortons, Kingfisher Lane, Warman SK

With the pipeline shut-in scheduled for 5:00AM MST on June 8th, it will be a fast-paced night for many locations while they bake all the product they can for the morning rush. Franchise owners are furious with Tim Hortons’ head office for causing this ruckus over a few namby-pamby enviro-huggers.  It would seem that the corporation’s head office doesn’t really care what Alberta thinks.

Tran Qualingtimutoo at the Donut Olympics, Toronto
Tran Qualingtimutoo at the Donut Olympics, Toronto

We have outlets in gas stations all over Alberta.  We have stores in the Middle East, OPEC nations, the USA.  Why do they care if we run a utility companies advertising on the damn monitors no one looks at anyway?  Some tree hugger gets offended every time a human farts in a forest.  It’s time to just jail the crazies and let the normal, rational people live without the headache. – Tran Qualingtimutoo, All Star 11 location Timmies franchise owner

This just in! 2P News has just learned that Enbridge plans to send excess donut batter inventory through an auxiliary 6″ trunk line to Kitimat, BC where it will be shipped to one of Tim Hortons’ offshore donut competitors Tao Huitrungs of Fungshui, China.


  1. Let’s be specific. According to Wikipedia,

    Moron: mental age of 8 to 12 years
    Imbecile: mental age of 3 to 8 years
    Idiot: mental age of less than 3 years

    Now, Mike, if I looked up “less than zero”, would your picture pop up?


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