CALGARY, Alberta – Dr. Darcy Flowman and Mr. Antoine McGuilicuddy, co-founders of 2P News, jointly announced that staffer Rodecker Smith is on medical leave of absence. Mr. McGuilicuddy said, “On behalf of everyone at 2P News we wish Rodecker a speedy recovery. He has asked that we respect his privacy and not comment on his illness.”
However, that is not how 2P News operates. If it’s really embarrassing, we’ll run with it every time. He has come down with a severe case of that most dreaded of male afflictions – girl cooties. It’s more formally known as gynecopia wimpitis. And it’s a really bad case.
It started out simply enough with his voice jumping an octave. I noticed that he was scratching himself repeatedly as if he had lice all over his body. Then he came in one day with his lips looking red and when I asked him about it, he said that he accidentally bought some colored chapstick. Yeah, right. Next, he went shopping at noon and came back with a large bag. I sneaked a peek inside and it was full of tighty-whitey underwear, skin lotion and eyelash curlers. Dr. Flowman added,
“After checking this and other symptoms on Web MD, it was obvious he had girl cooties. We did everything we could think of to help that jive-time turkey. Antoine and I even broke into his apartment, replaced all the white wine with Moosepeace beer, threw out all the Cosmo and Vogue magazines and blocked his cable TV out of the Lifetime, Oprah Winfrey and Oxygen channels. We would have replaced all the satin sheets but they’re so sensuous.” – Dr. Darcy Flowman, 2P News cofounder
According to accounts from Rodecker Smith himself, his bosses would not give up with their jabs, because the next day, as a last resort the next day, they pinned him down on the floor, rolled up his sleeve and administered the only known antidote to girl cooties:
Now you got your cootie shot.”
When they found out about his problem, Yu Mii and Cynthia Redbush thought this was all just too hilarious so when we weren’t looking they forced him into a total relapse with a double whammy:
Now you have it everywhere.
Now you have it all the time.”
The results were devastating. Rodecker was last seen in a plus-size dress shop trying on a muumuu. He would be placed on long term disability if 2P News offered it to employees, but it isn’t so he might have to be euthanized.