• Police are searching for a group of men believed to have been heavily intoxicated and disguised as cowboys.
  • Witnesses tell police that the men were acting obnoxious and spoke incoherently at best.

CALGARY, Alberta – The Calgary Police Service is on the lookout for a group of downtown Calgary oil and gas professionals whose members reportedly made fools of themselves and committed petty crimes including acts of public indecency after allegedly consuming inordinate volumes of alcohol.

The CPS is asking for the public’s help locating the men who were last seen in or around a Stampede-themed tent on the 400 block of 6th Avenue SW. Police believe that the men were wearing cowboy boots, hats, plaid shirts and nut-hugger boot cut jeans.

Acting CPS Staff Sargent Cindy Sckinnfloot spoke to 2P News’ co-founding editor Antoine McGuilicuddy, who was reporting from just outside the Cowboys & Indigenous Peoples tent on Stephen Avenue.

Cindy Sckinnfloot, Staff Sargeant

“Eye witnesses have told us that the group comprises 6 to 7 men in their late 20s to mid 30s. All of the men are of Caucasian descent except for 1 who had dark skin. It is believed that the dark-skinned man, who could be of African-Canadian heritage, may have lost a bet, hence the cowboy attire.

Other witnesses claim that the group had started drinking as early at 6:30 this morning. At least 2 of the men were wearing iron rings, meaning they could be engineers. We need to get these guys off the streets because they pose an imminent risk to public safety.” – Cindy Sckinnfloot, CPS

It was at this point that Mr. Mcguillicuddy, glazed eyes and all, was unable to muster a response as he stumbled back a few steps and spilled some of his 4th 40oz pitcher of Moosepeace session ale.

“Sir, how much have you had to drink today? Sir? Sir?!! Okay, please put down your Fisher-Price microphone and step away from the tent… SIR! GET ON THE GROUND!! I SAID GET ON THE GROUND!!,” shouted Sargeant Sckinnfloot.

This just in! 2P News’ own Antoine McGuilicuddy has just been arrested by CPS and charged with 2 counts of ultra public intoxication and 1 count of uttering threats to a tree. And fellow 2P News staffer Sir William Shortspeare, visiting from Orange County, California, was also arrested with DUI charges pending after he drove his rental car into an empty patio next to the police station as he came to post bail for Antoine.

Stacey Rickenbooker, who manages the Boots & Buckles food truck that was parked along 7th Avenue near Olympic Plaza, recalls seeing the group earlier today.

Stacey R., food truck owner

“I recall 5 or 6 men who made the noise of 50 or 60 men, it didn’t really make sense. Just as I was getting things setup at around 9:30 they lined up looking for food as they poked around the outside of my truck. When I told them they’ll have to come back in 2 hours they became verbally aggressive and proceeded let the air out of my truck’s tires. That’s when I called the police.” – Stacey Rickenbooker

Police believe that this group of men is also responsible for setting off fireworks along Stephen Avenue mall.

Anybody with information that can help police locate these men is asked to call CPS at 555-1234 or the 2P News Hotline at 555-5555.

And in related news, there are unconfirmed reports that hundreds of downtown office workers are visiting the Stampede tents of vendors with whom they never plan to do business. The service companies strongly suspect the visitors might be on site for the free food, drinks, live music, swag and to even spend time away from their offices.


  1. Balderdash! Those ruffians at the CPS should mark parking/no parking spaces more clearly. I was forced to use the cash I had to bail myself out and leave poor Antoine to his fate. His fellows at 2P News claimed to have no money available for anything other than their own personal alcohol consumption. I shall endeavor to locate an ATM that will accept one of my credit cards.

  2. Its so unfortunate, now that I live in Houston my days of Stampeding are over. The only way I can Stampede is vicariously living through your team. So so sad.

    • Living vicariously through us to enjoy the Stampede is better than not enjoying the Stampede at all.


    • My dear Bollock, proceed to any corner of Fulton Street in the 100% Hispanic section of Houston and at the top of your voice shout “Juarez was a homo!” The consequences to your body will approximate Stampede.


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