ANAHEIM, California – Over the past several decades, scientists have documented a severe decline in the populations of amphibians, particularly frogs. Dr. Tad Pohl, Director of Superficial Biology at the University of Wartburg in Germany, published a paper suggesting that the decline may be the result of extensive acidizing performed by the oil and gas industry. When reached by this reporter, he said, “Mind you, the report only suggests. Nothing has been proved. Not even close. Go away and don’t ask me any more questions.”
During peer review of the report, numerous colleagues and reviewers wondered if Dr. Pohl had lost his mind. He responded, “Burning of high-sulfur coal created acid rain that had deleterious effects on both plants and animals. This is well established. An anti-fracking group, Citizens Against Being Pro Anything, assured me that frack fluid, which includes lots of acid, is leaking by the billions of gallons into water supplies everywhere. It stands to reason that there is a chance, however close to zero it really is, that it’s affecting amphibians. So why did I include that possibility in the report? The anti-fracking people promised that they would give me their sucker list of people who contribute to their organizations so I could hit them up for money to do actual science.
“I asked the Walt Disney Company, trademark owner of the Muppets, if Kermit the Frog could be used as a symbol to raise awareness of the amphibian problem but I got an extremely nasty letter from their lawyers telling me to forget it. None of their trademarked characters can be used for anything except making money for Disney. Jesus Christ, a day at Disneyland is over a hundred bucks now. Isn’t that enough?”
There have been reactions at the highest levels. When the report was first publicized, British Prime Minister David Cameron applauded the demise of so many frogs regardless of cause but then he was disappointed to find out that it meant actual frogs and not Frenchmen. He then retracted his initial statement, saying that it was an honest mistake. Western Canadians were equally disappointed, having assume that it included Québecoise. Premier Ministre du Quebec Phillipe Phraug-Couillard expressed his outrage, but since he’s in a constant state of outrage, nobody paid much attention. He screamed to no one in particular, “Sacrebleu! Cameron will nevair set foot in Quebec! And those cochons in Alberta? Their very existence is an insult!”