EDMONTON, Alberta – It has been well established here at 2P News that transporting crude oil is fraught with danger and environmental risk. Pipelines leak; trains derail; using ass might just not cut it; a proposed trainpipe is prohibitively expensive, and until the oil floats program can be practically realized, companies in all aspects of the oil and gas industry, and provincial governments, are looking for innovative ways to move crude to thirsty international markets.
But the Federal Liberal Government of Canada, lead by political prodigy Justin Trudeau, has proposed a new method for transporting crude whose infrastructure already exists – highways and passenger vehicles with trailer hitch assemblies. Yes, that’s right. You heard it first here at 2P News, good people.
“Errrr… ummmm… People are always…. errrr… driving throughout the Western provinces ahhhh…. ummm….[inordinately long pause with confused look on face]… all of the time, and some even… errrr… make trips that span the country every ummmm… now… err… now… now and again. Why not errr… get these people to ummm… help transport crude, because they are burning up the damn stuff anyhow – errr… ummm… hmmm.. aahhh… errr… [long pause]… they really should pull their weight… Yes, I meant that liberally, literally, and errrr…. figuratively.” – Justin Trudeau, speaking outside of a Montreal speakeasy
If Mr. Trudeau and his federal cronies have their way, they would mandate that provincial governments add a new feature to their vehicle registry systems that would require that all passenger vehicles with a trailer hitch automatically be registered to participate in the new passenger vehicle crude transport system (PV-CTS). The government would also pass a bill to mandate that all passenger vehicles have a trailer hitch installed effectively immediately.
According to the proposal put forth by the Libs, PV-CTS registered vehicles, on their way out of town, would be required to check-in at special Crude Pickup ‘n Go terminals. The passenger vehicles would then be equipped with a special trailer fitted with four to six 42 US gallon oil drums (depending on the vehicle’s towing capacity), and the driver instructed to deliver the trailer to a pre-specified drop-off terminal that is close to driver’s destination.
“So the next time we head on our family road trip to Brandon, Manitoba, I’ll hop in the ‘ol minivan, load up wifey, the kids, and the dog, and then go pickup a trailer carrying poisonous crude oil? The Liberals have to be sh!tt!n’ me. I don’t care if I save 15% on my registration throughout the year – this is some bullsh!t right here. I plan to remove my trailer hitch whenever I leave town.” – Stan Doogaldorf, concerned citizen
The Liberal government would also try to enact new laws to empower RCMP officers to pull over and ticket any vehicles with an empty trailer hitch travelling in rural areas.
Regulatory opponents of the proposal fear that some people will steal the oil to support the burgeoning hobby refinery craze that is sweeping towards the western provinces.
One engineer, who caught wind of the proposal, is in the process of designing a mobile refinery that he will fit to this 1978 VW Rabbit diesel that will allow it to run on a crude diesel that would be cracked in the trunk of his car, and fed by the crude on the trailers. In light of these shortcomings to the PV-CTS proposal, it looks like Mr. Justin Trudeau will have to go back to his how can we transport oil drawing board.