Some of the things that will be banned from Alberta should Kenney become premier

EDMONTON, Alberta – In an unprecedented election campaign promise, UCP leader Jason Kenney will ban the colour orange from appearing or being used anywhere with the province’s borders should he be elected. Mr. Kenney spoke to a group of supporters outside of a Leduc, Alberta speakeasy yesterday on day 7 of the election campaign.

Jason Kenney

“we’ve seen far too much orange leading up to and certainly after May 24th, 2015, and i believe that is having detrimental impacts on the psychII of the great people of this province. My goal is to help albertans by eliminating the colour orange from within Alberta’s borders, thereby helping heal the psychological impacts from this horrifying part of the colour palette.” – UCP Leader Jason Kenney

According to the UCP Press Secretary and Public Relations manager, Fannie Licker, the new law, that the UCP plans to pass immediately, will take effect as soon as possible and cover the colour orange used by his government, private individuals, academic institutions, and all businesses alike.

Mr. Kenney plans to create a new provincial law enforcement agency aptly named Orange Crush dedicated to enforcing the new law. They will be equipped with the rights to arrest and immediately punish anybody who is not in accordance.

Harry Mangina, a political science professor from Calgary-based Royal Mountain University believes this new law violates Canada’s Constitution and will not make it past the Supreme Court of Canada. “I’ve always thought that Mr. Kenney had is head up his ass, but this idea indicates just how much room there is up there – it’s cavern like,” Mr. Mangina told 2P News reporter Yu Mii.

The Carrot Growers of Alberta, the Alberta Grocers Association, and Frito-Lay’s Cheetos division believe that they will be at a significant business disadvantage should this law pass Alberta Legislature.

Donald Deebagish, P.Geo.

“I can understand Kenney’s aversion to the colour orange, but come on… we’re gonna ban Carrots?! Carrots have been orange far before the NDP chose the colour. It’s just not fair. We currently only sell the carrots we produce into Alberta markets, and it looks like we’ll only have two options here: to sell our carrots to BC and SK, or genetically modify our carrots to be blue. We were told that blue is a good colour to go with.” – Donald Deebagish, with the Carrot Growers of Alberta

Although the UCP understands the significant constitutional challenges its new law would face, should they be elected next month, they feel that ANYTHING that will help rid the province of the orange shit storm that it has endured for the past 4 years is well worth ANY effort.


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