CALGARY, Alberta – Western Canada’s largest nano-brewery, Moosepeace Brewery Corporation, is proud to have just unveiled a unique 7-pack to celebrate Canada’s provinces and promote their unity. The company went on the record to say that it is company mandate to help bring the country together, and how better than with varietals of beer that truly represent the various regions throughout our great country.
So 2P News’ co-founders, Dr. Darcy Flowman, P.Eng. and Antoine McGuilicuddy, P.Geo., sat down with 17 pre-release cases of the new brews and we offer our tasting notes and food pairings below. We start in British Columbia. Enjoy.
Angry Girl Enviro Lager
- Province/Region: British Columbia
- Tasting Notes: The aroma of this green-coloured beer opens with an intense burst of earthy-citrusy notes reminiscent of the fruits, nuts, and granola commonplace in this region. This delightful beer displays layers of PETA-approved candied fruitcake and LGBTQ+2-friendly pickled tofu wieners with a very pungent overall aroma of eco-terrorist enviro hypocrisy. Absolute bliss from the 1st sip and beyond, with hallucinogenic impacts felt as this easy-drinking 17% THC brew will have you screaming “I love you Angry Girl” to the bottle whose label dons the face of the uber-popular youth climate activist.
- Food Pairing: Hemp Crusted Burnaby Salmon with Crude Oil Glaze
“Build That Pipe” Shout Stout
- Province/Region: Alberta
- Tasting Notes: This crowd-pleasing and breathtakingly hoppy and resiny stout is a must for any, “Hey, I used to work in the oil patch, too, party.” At first sip, the minerally nature of this dilbit-based brew will have you feeling like you’ve made it – making it big while living out the Alberta advantage. But by the time you get to the bottom of the bottle (which goes down quicker than Calgary’s house prices), the stout’s mustiness exudes overtones of hopelessness, failure, desperation, and despair. The experience ends with a final gulp of bitumen-coated sand granules for that kick-me-while-I’m-down throat-scratching finish.
- Food Pairing: A Mid-80s Style NEP Crash Burger
Rider Green Bunnyhug Pilsner
- Province/Region: Saskatchewan
- Tasting Notes: Poured a copper body with great head and lace, you will immediately notice a subtle nose of watermelon from this accessible Pilsner reigning from the province whose shape is easiest to sketch. The aroma is unmistakably straight grain ethanol which lends itself to this Pilsner’s hefty 80% alcohol content by weight. If consumed in excess, this buttery refresher will have you seeing into the future. Brewed with specialty bacon-grease-coated hops sourced from non other than FoxBow, SK, this very flat brew pays homage to regional landscapes and goes down quicker than a farm girl at a bush party. To say that this beer is exciting is the overstatement of the century. If it were sex, it would be missionary with the lights off.
- Food pairing: Watermelon-Canola Milkshake
“Advertised as ‘The isabella’s islay of beers,’ I’d say that is a little too fancy. I prefer ‘carbonated soy sauce’ with a mean-ass aftertaste. Come to think of it, this would be the perfect beverage to serve to the recently divorced, alcoholic ex-convicts at your next party!” – Darcy
Ice Gripper Winter Ale
- Province/Region: Manitoba
- Tasting Notes: This first of a kind ice-beer truly pays tribute to Manitoba’s self-proclaimed title as Slurpee capital of the world – it’s cheap, full of ice, and after you’ve spent a few minutes with it, you hate yourself and you’d do anything to catch the next mosquito heading West. Excellently quaffable, this ale’s heavy body belies its light and chilly taste. Brewed with proprietary Moosepeace Forever-Frozen nano-technology, this beer’s slushy margarita consistency persists from bottling to sewer. Hitting very hard at 11.5% alcohol by volume, this frosty treat with a subtle nose of deet punches much heavy than its weight. So be careful consuming the Ice Gripper, because too many of these and you’ll be partying high with the Golden Boy and his pals behind the ‘Leg. And we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we?
- Food Pairing: Smoked Goldeye Flapper Pie
Big Belly Fordy Porty
- Province/Region: Ontario
- Tasting Notes: This aggressive summer porter is very bitter, quite robust, has a 20% alcohol content, and hates the carbon tax, just like the provincial premier after whom it is named. The Fordy pours mostly flat, has significant heavy-barrel notes on the nose of reminiscent of brisket, BBQ ribs, and cornbread. This is a nice beer that fits with the tenets of a right-of-right conservative government – if consumed by a public sector worker, his or her wages are cutback and healthcare cuts become as popular as downtown Toronto gang activity. A special edition Fordy for the Toronto market is 10 times the price of the normal Fordy, is 1/10th the volume, and it really blows. But at the end of the day, the Big Belly Fordy finishes with its drinkers feeling as though they are indeed at the centre of the Universe.
- Food Pairing: Goes well with ballpark hotdogs as it will undoubtedly be consumed by baseball fans who will park on your front lawn and pee on your house.
Osti de tabarnak de sacrament, de câlice de ciboire de criss de marde! Sour Ale
- Province/Region: Quebec
- Tasting Notes: Straw gold in colour, the Tabarnak Sour Ale has the acrid peppery bitterness that is characteristic of the cultures of the region, that pleasantly offsets the aromas of over-the-top arrogance and disdain of English culture. The most interesting aspect of this ale is that it keeps separating – the dark, used-up hops from the prairies sink to the bottom and the beautiful white upper cream floats to the top. Confusingly, the bottle is labelled “Tabarnak,” but there is nothing holy about this witches brew that will actually spit on you if it senses that you speak English. Anglophone drinkers should be warned that after consuming 3 of these 95% alcohol content beers, they may very well be speaking dirty french with the best alouettes!
- Food Pairing: Tourtières Poutine Mashup
Toothless Fisherman “Don’t Ya Know” Scottish-Style Bock
- Province/Region: The Maritimes
- Tasting Notes: This marine-water tasting bock pours a pale yellow, rehydrated-dehydrated urine colour, just like most beers brewed in this region. No lacing or head retention to speak of, the unfiltered nature of this beer reminds you of the potty-mouthed of the people from NFLD. The 20 calorie energy content of this bock belies its Brettanomyees-like, full-bodied girth. Perhaps the most peculiar aspect of this beer is that each time you touch the bottle to your lips, your watch advances by exactly 30 minutes. But if you love seafood, this boozy astringent Scottish-style bock will speak to you like your first wet dream – bring on the Cameron Diaz!
- Food Pairing: Burnt Caramel Hodge Podge with a side of Rappie Pie
“Although this beer was quite terrible, it had at least one redeeming quality. It was easy for me to pick apart the two distinct aromas of metal shavings and fishbone broth, without succumbing to the lip-smackingly delicious finishing notes of whale menstruation concentrate that was oh so masterfully combined with Expired shrimp sauce with a hint of ass juice.” – Antoine
There you have it, good people.
Beer drinkers across the country can expect to see this new hockey stick-shaped Don’t be a Hoser 7-pack from Moosepeace Brewery hit shelves as early as February 1st, 2020.
Way to go, guys. I always knew that you guys wrote some pretty stupid stuff, but this takes things to the next level.
This is hilarious!
Thanks, Jules! We appreciate that. Please share the love with your social media networks!
I’ve been critical of your writing in the past, but this time you have seriously hit the mark. Great satire 2pnews! So funny!
Thanks a bunch, Louise. You are awesome.