ORLANDO, Florida – Seven security guards at Cape Canaveral Air Force Base were assaulted by 4 suspects who forced entry into a SpaceEX rocket with plans to commandeer the satellite within it in an effort to secure a trip to the moon for oil exploration.
Local police and the FBI were contacted by RCMP investigators out of Calgary with information about the suspects, who are believed to be 2 engineers, a geologist, and a petrophysicist from Airdrie-based Obscura Resources. According to RCMP reports, the quartet, who are all registered professionals, belong to an asset development team with the company that was tasked with developing new opportunities.
“We have reason to believe that the 3 men and 1 woman visited an Obscura field office near Hanna, Alberta to secure 4 Scott Packs, insulated PPE blue coveralls, before stopping at an Airdrie-area Walmart to acquire 10 jumbo rolls of extra-thick rolls of foil, and 3 snorkels. The group then hit the road in a rented cube van heading straight to Florida.” – Staff Sergeant Dick Halfapush, RCMP, Calgary detachment
Closed circuit video around the rocket site show the 3 men and 1 woman dressed up as electrical maintenance contractors enter the launch pad 60 seconds before liftoff, dragging behind them large suitcases and backpacks. Security guards who attempted to stop them were met with wafts of severe body odour and technical gibberish that rendered the guards useless. One was hit in the head with a roll of plotter-printed maps, while it is believed that the petrophysicist put at least 2 guards in a trance by waving raster gamma ray logs in front of them.
The quartet’s manager was interviewed at the Obscura’s head office for more information.
“You know, I’ve always known this team to be a bit on the high-risk side in their exploratory work, but never did I think that they would take things to this level – literally. They have redefined what wildcat exploration is. And I understand that they misappropriated 4 Scott Packs from one of our field offices, but I gotta tell you, they will need a lot more than that because the engineers breathe really heavily. As for snorkels and foil?! I can only imagine that they will try and fashion some sort of space suit just in case they want to go get some fresh air.” Mrs. Dixie Normous, Asset development manager, Obscura Resources
Local law enforcement reported that one of the engineers on board made a phone call to 911 just as the SpaceEX Heavy 7G rocket lifted off. The phone call is transcribed here.
“Just try and come and get us, PoPos… because guess what? We’re in the sky, and soon we’ll be in space. So unless your patrol car has wings, then see ya later, suckas!”
Peon Tusk, the billionaire CEO of SpaceEX held an emergency press conference where he told investors not to worry. “I have to give it to that crew for this ballsy move, but what those oil and gas tech pros don’t understand is that is that I have exclusive control of that satellite from an app on my phone, so I can confidently say that they won’t be heading to the moon any time soon. The satellite is not designed to return through earth’s atmosphere, so I’m thinking of just plunking them in my high-flyin’ Tesla Roadster right next to Spaceman,” he told the crowd. “I will do this in the name of science and because I’m Peon Tusk.”