CALGARY, Alberta – Since her addition to the 2P News staff last October, Gretel Foonberger has submitted no articles and made no comments on others’ articles. This raised suspicions even among a staff as jaded as 2P News and a committee was formed to investigate, including Rodecker Smith, Cynthia Redbush, Yu Mii, Andy Killinger and your humble correspondent, Sir William Shortspeare. This was such an intriguing mystery that I learned to use Zoom so I could participate from Southern California with my colleagues in Calgary.
We lured Ms. Foonberger to the 2P News office with a promise of providing lunch with actual food. Once we were all in the conference closet, the door was locked and an intense interview began. Ms. Foonberger acted quite outraged and refused to speak. The breakthrough came when Andy Killinger withdrew a large knife from his boot and calmly began cutting off his fingertips while staring at Ms. Foonberger. This cracked her façade of indifference and she began blubbering like a naughty child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
The following is a transcript of the highlights of our interview with Ms. Foonberger, edited for clarity and to remove Andy’s meanderings and simulations of bodily functions.
2P News: Why did you agree to join 2P News if you had no intention of contributing?
Foonberger: I agreed because Flowman and McGuilicuddy promised me a sign-on bonus. The bonus turned out to be an envelope full of expired Tim Horton’s and Hooters coupons. I felt no obligation to do any work whatsoever.
Sir William remarked that pretty much the same thing happened to him. At this point she claimed she had to go to the loo. She promised to return. Yu Mii followed her discreetly and then reported to us that Foonberger went into the Men’s Room!
2P News: So you’re not really an under aged female twit who makes a living out of being an environmental scold, are you!?!?
Foonberger: No I’m not, my real name is Hansel Bergenbergsen and I’m from Kayak, Iceland. I’m 37 years old and a biological male. I stumbled into the environmental gig on a dare from a gay friend and then I was picked up by a good press agent. The agent helped me create the Foonberger persona.
2P News: How did you pull off pretending to be a teenaged girl?
Foonberger: Lots and lots of make-up, some really tight undergarments and watching every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I have to shave twice a day and apply a centimetre-thick layer of make-up to my face. That’s why I never smile. That would crack the make-up and cause it to fall off. The hardest part was doing the voice. I had to suck a lot of lemons to accomplish that.
2P News: Now that you’ve been exposed, what are you going to do?
Foonberger: I’ll find a new gig. I hear the Vegas drag shows have re-opened. Besides, with Covid-19 and Black Lives Matter dominating the news I wasn’t getting any press at all and the speaking engagements had gone to zero. That’s how I made my money and I was ready to quit anyway.
At this point we unlocked the door and allowed Foonberger/Bergenbergsen to depart. We were all impressed with how she/he had pulled off the deception. We had a lengthy discussion of how we could do something as bold and make a bunch of money as she/he had. Andy participated only marginally because he was busy sewing his fingertips back on.