EDMONTON, Alberta – Alberta Premier Kason Jenney announced today that the Province of Alberta is closing its borders with the United States and other Canadian provinces, effective immediately. When asked if this is a response to the COVID-19 pandemic, he replied, “Yeah, disease sounds good. Let’s go with that.” 2P News is pressing for an interview with Mr. Jenney to clarify his response but so far to no avail.
The Canada Border Services Agency expressed surprise at Mr. Jenney’s announcement, saying that it could not enforce the closure with respect to other provinces without direct orders from Ottawa. The border with the United States is already restricted. In particular for the state of Montana the border has been closed since 2016 stemming from an incident involving a group of Montanatonians at a peopleMINUS rig site party in 2016 that involved 263 pallets, 40 barrels of wellhead condensate, fireworks, and 17 bales of hay. The RCMP is likewise at a loss for direction.
“So it appears that Kason ‘I love BBQ Sauce’ Jenney wants RCMP detachments along the AB-BC border to enforce a border closure… but what he doens’t understand is that we need authorization from the feds to do this. And we all know that the prime Minister’s office wouldn’t even consider doing something so stupid! <silence> Oh, wait!” – Colonel Staff SERGEANT Cynthia Widebottom, P.RCMP.
When apprised of this refusal, Mr. Jenney said that it didn’t matter and that Albertans would enforce the closure themselves. He introduced Dr. Canadiana Jones as the new head of the Upright Citizens Brigade for Border Closure (UCBBC).
Dr. Jones, an archeologist at the University of Calgary, was apparently selected for the job because he has a history of getting himself into impossible situations and somehow escaping. Since there are quite a few unemployed Albertans, they can be pressed into service at the borders and paid a token wage plus a Panda Express gift card.
However, as it turns out, the UCBBC is likely able to fill its ranks with volunteers. Mr. Fred Smurd, a resident of Sesspuhl near the British Columbia border was quite enthusiastic about the border closure.
“I’m getting mighty tired of all the pot smoke drifting across this here border from BC. If I see any of dem hosers coming our way, I’ll put a stop to it.” – Mr. Fred Smurd
The UCBBC has no concerns about non-Albertans trying to access Alberta from the east. When Dr. Jones was asked about to comment on this subject, he simply replied, “No one in Saskatchewan ever comes to Alberta anyway.”