OTTAWA, Ontario – The Canadian federal deficit is projected to surpass $340 billion this fiscal year, due in large part to massive economic aid and stimulus plans that Prime Minister Trustin Judeau’s government has rolled out in response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic.
The deficit projection released Wednesday by Finance Minister Borneau is up dramatically from the latest pre-pandemic economic update in December 2019, which had pegged the 2020-2021 deficit at a mere $28.1 billion.
“How does the saying go? ‘Drastic times call for significant measures,’ ‘When a tree falls in the forests, does it actually hurt a taxpayer who is wearing earmuffs?’ or is it ‘Desperate times call for frivolous-but-necessary spending at the expense of Canadian taxpayers for generations to come?’ Whatevs… the bottom line is that $340B was a lot of money to borrow, and we’d better start paying it back pretty soon because of this little thing called interest. Borneau and I have decided to get back to basics when it comes to taking care of this deficit. We’ve decided to organize a nationwide mandatory participation bottle drive.” – Trustin Judeau, speaking to reporters outside of a Montreal speakeasy.
According to an official statement released by the Prime Minister’s Office, the federal Liberals have tabled a bill in parliament that, if approved, will allow the government to require all Canadian citizens, no matter their age, to forfeit all beverage containers that they are otherwise holding for bottle deposit.
The bottles will be personally collected by Liberal MPs from across Canada in 24′ U-Haul box trucks donning Liberal red livery. Each MP will have no fewer than 2 RCMP officers in tow to enforce compliance.
An insider close to the program who asked to not be named told 2P News that the Prime Minister and Finance Minister are planning to cross Canada on a solar-powered float, visiting major centres along the Trans Canada highway knocking door-to-door. “I heard that Judreau will be shirtless and the finance guy plans to rock a mesh banana hammock. They think that they’ll be able to get tips to boost up the cash they are gonna raise,” said the insider.
Finance Minister Borneau fully expects a number of MPs from non-Liberal parties to play ball and pass Bill C-I’M 420 next week. Due process then takes it to the Queen of England for royal assent. Federal NDP leader, Sagmeet Jingh told 2P News in an email that he fully supports the Libs on this one.
“So wait… hahaha… you want to know if I want to support seeing Prime Minister dufus and Finance Minister Jive-turkey travel across Canada forcing people to give them recyclables?! WELL NO SHIT I SUPPORT THAT! I’ll be 2 cars back videotaping the entire damn thing for my youtube channel” – Sagmeet Jingh, NDP Leader
SeeTV political analyst Chantelle Freebert sees many holes in the Liberal government’s math. He went on the record to say, “The Liberals say that this bottle drive will generate between $178B to $432B. But Borneau’s financial models get those numbers with assumptions that are nonsense. They figure that each of the roughly 35 million Canadians has 60 returnables valued at an average of 7.3 cents per container. But then they multiply that figure by the cube root of the cosmic inflation factor and that’s where I get lost.”
2P News interviewed a number of average Canadians by telephone to ask what they thought about the plan. “If JT wants my recyclables, he’d better kneel down on my porch and beg for them. It’s that simple,” said Jacky McDoogie from Calgary, AB. “If those two jackasses even set foot on my property, somebody is going to get a real bad hurtin’, and it ain’t gonna be me!” shouted Cooter Wigglesworth from Regina, SK.
The federal ethics commissioner has launched an investigation into whether Finance Minister Mill Borneau breached the Conflict of Interest Act over his involvement in the Nationwide Bottle Drive Program. The commissioner alleges that the Borneau foundation is the primary shareholder in the recycling facilities that were planned to be used to process the collected bottles. The commissioner is also investigating a grainy video that purports showing Mr. Borneau and Mr. Judreau, donning all black clothes, in a backroom threatening the president of Hockey Canada to cancel all bottle drives his group had planned for the balance of 2020.
So it appears that this well thought out Liberal plan is in jeopardy from the get-go pending the results of the investigation.