“My name is Mildred. I recently hosted a 2-day swingers bender in my Langdon, Alberta apartment and I’m pretty sure I have COVID. I really, really need to get tested but I don’t have a car to get to a testing facility. And since AHS doesn’t make house calls, I’m at a loss for what to do. I asked two engineers who live in my building for help and they don’t have any ideas either. Please help. -Mildred B.
Dear Mildred: First of all, unless you were a grandmother babysitting POW kids in WWI, please change your name. Mildred? Come on. Secondly, were the only people at your party engineers? If so, you don’t have COVID, trust me on that one – it’s mathematically, theoretically, and biologically impossible. But if you were dancing the horizontal polka with normal, socially adjusted people who have friends and you think you might have caught the CV, I’m here to help. Forget Dr. Heehaw and her PCR 2′ long q-tips from hell that tickle your frontal lobe! Just try any of my DIY COVID tests and you’ll know right away whether you should be out on a patio bending elbows with your girlfriends or bunkering up in your basement with a 14-day supply of shit tickets.
1. The Chuck Pukery: I’ve gotta be honest with you, I kinda “borrowed” this technique from the ΑΣΦ gals at the University of South Miami Beach. It’s very simple and effective. Eat a 1kg bag of M&Ms and 2 family-size bags of Ray’s salt and vinegar chips. Within 1 minute of finishing your last bite, you must chug a 2L of root beer within 45 seconds. If you vomit within 45 seconds then you have COVID.
2. The Tide is Low and I’m Holding Off: While pinching your nose with your right hand and your eyes closed, use your left hand to very slowly feed yourself 3 Tidepods back-to-back – this process should take no fewer than 20 minutes. If you remain conscious, then you don’t have COVID. And if you don’t have COVID after this test, you didn’t eat the pods in vain, seeing as the only side effect is a gastrointestinal cleanse like nothing else on the market.
3. Don’t be a Hoser, Hoser: You’ll need a friend to help you with this one. Perhaps you can get one of those engineers who live in your building. Go to Blowes and grab a 5 foot length of 3/4″ food grade tubing. Each of you grab one end and keep the hose flat. Fill it with as much XO Beer as you can, and then you each blow into opposite ends of the tube and whoever is forced to drink the beer has COVID. That’s a no doubter.
4. Magic Trud-Eye: This is psychoanalytical test, whose results depend on your point of view. Stare at the image shown below for at least 15 seconds while taking deep, deep breaths. Once you are finished I ask that you carry on with instructions below the image.
If an image of a criminally negligent, ethics violating, unicorn-mounted prince appears, then you have COVID. If you see nothing, then you’re free and clear.
Well there you have it, Mildred. For the most comprehensive testing available, try all 4 methods back-to-back and you have COVID if you fail 3 out of 4 of them. Cheers, and good luck.
