CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News founders and co-publishers Dr. Darcy Flowman and Mr. Antoine McGuilicuddy announce that they are in final negotiations to purchase the assets of the Edmonton Herald-Fabricator. The selling price was reputed to be $32 and a bag of poutine. The paper has been published continuously since 1620 when it was first written in pictographs and scratched on scraps of tamarack bark.
When asked about their future plans for the Herald-Fabricator, Messrs. Flowman and McGuilicuddy stated,
“The paper doesn’t have a future. It’s so far in hock that it will never be profitable again, so what we’re doing is selling the printing presses to the U. S. Mint so they can print more money and subleasing the office building to the Correctional Service of Canada for conversion to a prison. Crime is the only business that’s booming around here.” – Darcy Flowman
Current customers will have their subscriptions converted to 2P News subscriptions and their email addresses sold to whoever has some money.
Alberta Premier Kason Jenney was delighted with the news. He said, “Now there won’t be anyone checking up on us. Woo hoo! Free rein!” When he was asked if other Alberta print media would continue to cover provincial government, he replied, “What other Alberta print media? There isn’t any.”
The Herald-Fabricator is the last conventional newspaper in Edmonton. Its competitors, the Times-Defamer and the Daily Denouncer, folded in 1997 and 2008, respectively.
Competition from online news sources, loss of advertising revenue and shrinkage of the comics sections were cited as reasons for the closures. Former reader Nanook Farquar said, “The only reason I used to read the Daily Denouncer is that it carried ‘Klondike Ike’, my favorite comic strip.” The only other regularly published journal now is the weekly Edmonton Sled Dog Review.
Mr. Bob McKenzie, a part-time reporter for the Edmonton Sled Dog Review, said,
“Them Floatman and Magillacuddy hosers are Calgonites and that ain’t gonna sit too well with us Edmontonianites. I bet they don’t even say ‘oot’ proper like.” – Bob McKenzie
Mr. McKenzie, who is just as stupid as he looks, went on to say that maybe with the Herald-Fabricator gone Tim Hortons would publish their coupons in the Sled Dog Review. “After all, I feed my dogs out of the Tim Hortons dumpster and it gives them the runs, which for a sled dog is a good thing.”