VANCOUVER, British Columbia – A horde of mutant humongous arachnids appeared suddenly on the outskirts of Vancouver, threatening all manner of mayhem. Since this is BC, when the event was first reported the possibility of a mass THC-induced hallucination had to be considered. Abundant video and first-hand reports soon confirmed the reality. However, no immediate attack by the spiders was carried out, leaving the citizenry quite puzzled.
With the closure of the BC/Alberta border (see Alberta Closes All Borders – Effective Immediately, July 15, 2020) none of the Calgary staff of 2P News was able to cover this breaking story, so it fell to your humble correspondent in Southern California. I quickly made plans to travel to Vancouver with a photographer. Unable to secure an airline ticket, we rented a Beechcraft King Air and headed north from the Orange County Airport. However, since air travel to Canada is restricted, we had to resort to subterfuge to gain entry. We reported to Vancouver Air Control that we were a Russian Tu-160 Blackjack heavy bomber on our way to destroy Washington, D. C. and we needed to stop in Vancouver to refuel. Permission to land was granted immediately. The fact that we approached from the south rather than the north was overlooked.
After landing and sneaking away from the airport, we headed for the reported location of the spiders. I was able to secure an interview with Fred, a spider who was authorized to speak for all the spiders. The following is a condensed version of the interview:
2P News: Where did you come from?
Fred: We grew up around the Hanford Nuclear Reservation waste site in Washington State. Presumably our being around all that plutonium is how we got so big.
2P News: Why did you leave Hanford and come to Vancouver?
Fred: We were running out of food and had to make a move. We decided that Canada would be more tolerant than the U. S. We picked Vancouver in hopes that we could make a deal to build webs between the skyscrapers for us to catch and eat the giant flies.
2P News: What giant flies?
Fred: They’re coming. We’ve been tracking their migration from Washington.
2P News: Should Vancouverites be concerned that you will eat them instead of the giant flies?
Fred: Nah. THC is poisonous to spiders. We want to make that clear. Listen, we’re not invulnerable like Godzilla. Regular high explosives can blow the shit out of us and nobody wants that. We would die and you would have an unbelievable mess to clean up.
2P News: Wouldn’t BC soon be overrun with baby giant spiders?
Fred: Again, nah. The radiation made us sterile.
2P News: Thank you for your time. We will pass along your statements to the Canadian military authorities and hopefully forestall the air strike.
Meanwhile, in New York City, Spider-Man, who does everything a spider can, declined to comment. He would say only that he would welcome the giant spiders to NYC should Vancouver prove inhospitable. He then swung away to do whatever a spider-man does.
