Apehole Headquarters

SAN FRANCISCO, California – Apehole Inc. of Clapertino, California announced today that its new iPhoney 13 is now for sale at its company stores, many retailers and back alleys.  Apehole CEO Willie Doors held a press conference at the company’s headquarters to introduce the device.  The event was well attended in person and on Skype and Zoom.

From behind a Plexiglas screen, Mr. Doors touted the many advanced features of the iPhoney 13 but was especially proud of the built-in taser.  He said,

Willie Doors, CEO of Apehole

“Our researchers found that many people carried both a phone and a taser for self-defense.  Why not combine the two?  Furthermore, why make a phone with a taser that just irritates the assailant?  So, our marketing people wanted to call it the iPhaser with the taser element having both a stun and a kill setting, just like a phaser in the TV shows.  However, the Star Trek people threatened to give us some grief over the name so we went with the next name in the series, iPhoney 13.”

The phone and taser share a single battery.  When the taser is set to kill, the battery is good for only one discharge because it uses so much power.  Apehole is working on adding an external battery pack built into an optional case that will generate several more shots.

The wrong button

Mr. Doors went on to say, “During consumer previews we ran into the problem of people trying to answer the phone but zapping themselves in the head with the taser instead.  This forced us to have three actual switches on the device, one for stun/kill and the other two have to be turned on in sequence to activate the taser.  This was the only way we could safely include it in the iPhoney 13.  God, people are so stupid.”

To address the COVID-19 social distancing situation, Apehole also built in an app that activates the taser when another person comes within 2 meters.  It generates a very ominous-sounding electrical buzz, like a transformer about to explode.  This deters most people from getting any closer.  If a person persists in coming closer then the iPhoney 13 owner has to option to actually zap the person.  In this circumstance the stun setting is the default setting.

Mr. Doors went on to describe other new features of the iPhoney 13 but the audience was too stunned to pay attention.

Looking ahead, Mr. Doors hinted that the iPhoney 14 would include time travel and a cure for hiccups.


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