CALGARY, Alberta – Despite rising tensions and Canada’s declaration of war against the United States, it was learned by 2P News that Canadian Premier Justin Trousseau and U. S. President Donald Frump have concluded a secret negotiation to swap Alberta and California. This is happening despite ongoing trade disputes, name-calling and the fact that both Trousseau and Frump are massive tools.
It is no secret that Frump faces an uphill battle for re-election this November. California is certain to vote for the Democratic candidate, Joe Bidet. The removal of California’s 55 electoral votes from the election calculus would be a tremendous advantage for Frump. For his part, Trousseau was eager to have direct access to Hollywood starlets. He was heard to say, “I’ll be nailing ‘em by the score.”
When contacted by 2P News, many other U. S. states expressed both surprise and relief that California would be exiting the union. Texas Governor Friar Abbott said, “When the big earthquake hits, those commies will expect the rest of the country to bail them out. It’ll cost hundreds of billions, maybe trillions.” Indeed, the head of the Communist Party of California, Vladimir Newsom, protested the planned swap, saying, “Canada doesn’t have the currency printing presses that the U. S. has. And who the hell wants money called a looney?” New York Governor Kwame Cuomo exclaimed, “That’s great! We’ll be the most populous state again!” True, if you ignore Texas and Florida.
Canada will almost exactly double its population of 37 million with the addition of 40 million Californians less the 4 million Albertans. Trousseau expects that with the addition of 40 million commies, pinkos, bleeding heart liberals and assorted new-age lunatics that he will be elected Prime-Minister-for-Life.
Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaist, ChairNoGenderSpecifiedPerson of the hastily formed California Committee to Canadianize, was quite delighted, “Oh I do hope this means the Queen will come to visit. Despite my entreaties, on her last visit to North America she avoided California.”
Meanwhile, in Edmonton and Calgary all sorts of unpleasantness broke out. The consensus appears to be that while Albertans dislike Eastern Canadians, their feelings toward Americans are even more emphatic, with many vowing to consider moving to Saskatchewan or possibly British Columbia. A number of hardy souls took to the streets to display their feelings. The Calgary Police Department dispatched an officer to make sure no one got lost.