WASHINGTON, D. C. – In a stunning revelation to a stunned America, 2P News stunningly revealed that U. S. President Donald Trump is in fact a ventriloquist’s dummy that has somehow gained an independent life.
Prior to this startling change, Mr. Trump was operated by a team of Japanese Bunraku puppeteers working closely with a conventional ventriloquist to supply the voice. Reminiscent of the plot of the movie Ted where a toy teddy bear came to life, Mr. Trump no longer needs the puppeteers and ventriloquist. However, he is still as wooden as he has ever been.
Almost immediately, Trump’s press liaison, Paul Winchell, denied the claim of independence, saying, “The President has always had a hand up his ass making his head turn, eyes blink, lips move, etc.” Mr. Winchell declined to identify whose hand it is, but he was holding a bottle of Kocha Cola. He also refused to speculate on the constitutional eligibility of a dummy to serve as president, even if it is sentient.
Mr. Stuart Freeborn, a renowned puppet maker who made the Yoda puppet for the Star Wars movies, confessed that he is responsible for gluing the hair on Trump’s head to make it look like he still had some. He said, “If it weren’t for me, he’d be as bald as a cue ball. Have you ever noticed how his gravity and wind defying hair doesn’t move? That’s due to my proprietary mix of Crazy Glue, Gorilla Glue, carbon fiber, dried-out corn starch and tungsten carbide.”
Another well-known non-living character, Howdy Doody, was asked for a comment. He said, “Why are you asking me about this? I’m a marionette, not a dummy. That’s a whole different thing. Someone is always pulling my strings. Trump’s getting his strings pulled is figurative, not literal.” Mr. Doody is retired from performing on television and now resides in a glass case at the Detroit Institute of Arts in Michigan.