- New task force has mandate to break up large gatherings by all means necessary
- Company responsible looking to fill up to 7,000 enforcement officer positions
- Applicants from SK will be fast-tracked through the hiring process
CALGARY, Alberta – Fresh on the heels of yesterday’s announcement by the province of Alberta to restrict certain activities due to COVID-19 numbers spiralling out of control, 2P News has an announcement of its own.
Very early this morning 2P News was engaged by the province to enforce the new COVID restrictions over the 2-week period starting November 13th to November 24, 2020.
According to a report on SeeTV’s Tomorrow Morning Today morning show, Dr. Darcy Flowman, 2P News co-founder, and 2P News’ Orange County, CA-based correspondent Sir William Shortspeare, were on a 6-hour Zoom chat with the premier and health minister that took them into the wee hours of the morning discussing the project.
“It was all-the-way-live chatting with dem cats up in Edmonton, man. I used to think that the short well-upholstered one was a jive-time-turkey but I learned that he likes to eat BBQ even more than I do, brother, and that’s all right with me. They needed some help on the enforcement side of this COVID-19 thang, and enforcement is my middle name, brother – I’ve been bustin’ chops since the 3rd grade, can you dig it? The only problem we have, is that my bidness partna, Antoine, is a big ‘ol softie. That dude is even afraid of himself, let me tell ya, so he won’t be able to help. And with only 4 others on staff, we’s gonna need to staff up, and that ain’t no jive.” – Dr. Darcy Flowman, with 2P News
In light of this aggressive undertaking, 2P News is looking to hire over 2,000 full-time and 5,000 part-time Professional COVID By-Law Enforcers (PCBEs) to help the province meet its target of getting the new daily COVID case counts to below 50 by the end of the month. The newly formed task force will be aptly named, “2P Bruise.”
- Use the 2P Bruise mobile app to locate COVID restriction infractions, and then follow up with physical remedial action that might include arresting or otherwise immobilizing those in blatant disregard for the new rules.
- In cases that escalate, the candidate must be comfortable to take things to Lay a Smack Down levels to subdue a rule-breaker.
- Known to CPS and regional RCMP by first name with a criminal rap sheet that is at least 2 pages long – if you’re from Saskatchewan, no proof of record required – it is implied
- Minimum 5 years of proven experience in bar fights with at least a 70% success rate
- A role as a heavy-handed goon in hockey at the Junior level or higher is preferred
- A keen ability to channel all of your energy into a sucker punch
- Minimum 5 years experience as a die-hard WWE fan, and must have attended no fewer than 5 WWE Smackdown events live
- Must be proficient in applying the figure 4 leg-lock, the People’s elbow, and must be able to apply a clothesline maneuver to a combatant who outweighs you by more than 40%
- Must have completed Knee Busting 101 and hold at least a blue belt in Chai Kung Fool
- A strong understanding of how to handle a baseball bat and a crowbar, and knowing when to transition from the former to the latter
- Ability to work equally well alone in the dark and with a gang of other 2P Bruisers
- Applicants from Saskatchewan are preferred because they tend to be bigger with fewer inhibitions to fight
- Have weak verbal and written communication skills, because the fists will do the talking
- Typical shifts range from 4/3, 8/6, 10/4 and 14/7
- Daily work hours and shifts are subject to change based on how many beat downs per hour you can execute safely
- Full dental care (work performed by 2P News’ Staff Counsellor Andy Killinger)
- Disability un-insurance (you no work, you not paid)
- Employee assistance program (if you get knocked down, a teammate will help you up)
- Performance-based bonuses (paid in flats of anniversary edition Moosepeace beer)
If you feel that this position is for you, please apply in the comments section below (unfortunately, that is our entire HR department).
We thank all applicants, but only those selected for an interview will be contacted.