EDMONTON, Alberta – For Albertans who are full of fear about the out-of-control COVID-19 pandemic, the daily new case counts just keep piling up. Record-breaking day after record-breaking day and the province’s top brass are scratching their heads with what to do next. On Friday, November 13th the province instituted a set of 2-week restrictions that included restaurants to not serve alcohol after 10pm and to close their doors for 11pm.
In light of restrictions, the new daily case counts have nearly doubled and panic is starting to set in with the province’s leaders and residents alike. As many imagine, it is very difficult for the premier and top medical officer to balance an already fragile economy and the health of its populace. But fear not, proud Albertans, the province’s Covid Pandemic Handling Committee has instituted a new set of restrictions effective Friday, November 27th, 2020.
According to the a press conference held yesterday afternoon, the new restrictions will include the following with immediate effect:
- Parkour is banned on bridges between the hours of 7:04am and 11:45am on Tuesdays when the ambient temperature is greater than 30C in the winter and -30C in the summer.
- Under no circumstances will anybody within Alberta’s borders engage in the sport of Extreme Ironing. This new danger sport combines the thrills of outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt, but it also poses health risks because the steam from the irons counter-intuitively amplify corona virus droplets.
- Underwater hockey is banned in Edmonton, Calgary, Red Deer, Airdrie, and Lethbridge. Studies have shown that the aerosols in the coronavirus multiple quickly in the watery environment despite the chlorine.
- Zorbing is allowed, but only on hills with a grade of between 2 cm per meter and 5 cm per meter. For the unlearned, to zorb is to strap oneself into an over-sized hamster exercise ball and roll down a hill.
- Chess Boxing? We must absolutely stop this recreational activity. Alternating between the two activities can last up to 11 rounds with the winner determined by knockout or checkmate, but the coronavirus hangs out in the proverbial bushes waiting to sucker punch contestants who aren’t paying attention.
- Unicycle Polo is only allowed with a maximum of 2 participants in an outdoor area provided the participants stay at least 100m from one another. Each game will be monitored by Peace Officers with laser distance measuring tools ready to issue tickets at a moment’s notice.
- The popular sport of Group Slack Line Plate Spinning is limited to a maximum of 3 plates simultaneously spinning per participant, provided the slack line no more than 6″ off the ground at its lowest point. Moreover, this activity is now banned outside of the period between the winter and summer solstices.
Well there you have it. With these new bans and restrictions the province expects to see daily new cases drop into a much more manageable range by the early new year. And despite these strict new bans, bars and pubs continue to stay open because we all know everybody needs a triple rum and cola nowadays (editor’s note: I take mine without the cola).