YELLOWKNIFE, Northwest Territories – Crime statistics for the Northwest Territories have taken a sudden plunge and authorities were baffled. That is, until it became known that a new crimefighter has arrived on the scene, Batbear. Modeling himself in part on the fictional character Batman, Batbear takes a more direct approach to law enforcement. Without relying on a bunch of fancy gadgets, he simply kills and eats criminals. Yesterday, 2P News’ Rodecker Smith sat down with Batbear at a picnic table near Yellowknife.
2P News: You have become known as Batbear for obvious reasons. You’re a gigantic grizzly bear with a Batman symbol on your chest. Did this quirk of nature inspire you to take up crimefighting?
Batbear: Yes, it did. Moreover, I felt it was necessary to get involved due to the rampant spread of crime in Canada, especially poaching. My devouring of criminals saves the government a lot of money on incarcerations, trials, and so forth. Plus, a big benefit for me is that I don’t have to spend a lot of time hunting game. Heck, I’ve gained 50 kilograms and now weigh 400 kg. I could hibernate for two years.
2P News: A lot of crooks have guns. Aren’t you afraid of getting shot?
Batbear: No, I’m not. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Kevlar fibers have been woven into my fur and I’m virtually bulletproof.
2P News: Do you worry that you might eat an innocent person?
Batbear: No, I only eat crooks I catch in the act.
2P News: The Northwest Territories is a big place. How do you cover so much ground?
Batbear: It’s a lot easier since I learned how to ride a motorcycle. The hardest part is operating a gasoline pump with these huge paws of mine. I used to have a bicycle but it was far too slow.
2P News: Some in the media have accused you of being a vigilante with no legal authority to do what you do.
Batbear: Legal, schmegal. I’m a bear, not a human. The RCMP seems to have no problem with my activities and provides me with a lot of tips. In fact, they gave me a gasoline credit card and regularly service my motorcycle. As for your media buddies who think I have to explain myself, tell them that I’d like to have them for dinner.
2P News: Thank you for your time. Good luck with your future crimefighting!
Batbear: Say, are you going to finish that double cheeseburger?
So there you have it. For those of you in the Yellowknife area, rest assured that your town will be safe, thanks to… Batbear.