The Kuiper belt: a large disc which is crowded with the icy cores of potential comets.

EDMONTON, Alberta – From global temperature rise and warming oceans, to shrinking ice sheets and thawing permafrost, climate change has the momentum of runaway freight train that needs to be stopped. If recent history tells us anything, the answer to the climate change problem is not in blue-bin recycling, renewable energies, sustainable transportation, or even a carbon tax. But a Leduc, Alberta-based startup, Astro-Teslica, believes it has the answer.

The uber ambitious project, which is underpinned by a process the company calls Simple Mass Displacement (SMD), comprises a new system known as gravitational mass relocation. The massive-scale project, which is supported by Space-X and the Canadian Space Agency, has already garnered much interest from international climate change organizations, despite the company’s significant investment from oil sands energy and mining behemoth Mooncor Corporation, which has a 51% stake in Astro-Teslica.

Astro-Teslica began applying for SMD permits across several Canadian jurisdictions this morning. The 40-person outfit has completed several studies over the last 7 years, and has definitively concluded they can mitigate, if not reverse, the impacts of climate change completely by 2035.

Functionally, the plan is to use mining equipment and space-capable rockets to displace Earth’s mass, bucket-by-bucket, into space.  Eventually, enough of Earth’s gravitational mass will be removed and transferred to the Kuiper Belt which will allow Earth’s orbit to drift slightly farther from the Sun. This, in turn, will definitively cool Earth’s climate and mitigate any and all warming on the planet.  Climate Change over, crisis avoided.

Mitch Mckubic, Astro-Teslica CEO

“We hired the best spacey dudes we could poach from Area-69 outside Ottawa, Region-23d CAF base outside of Cold Lake (the top  secret one), and some old bar full of smarty pants retirees across the street from Dal.  These individuals did the work, planned this out, and are 125% positive that moving rocks from Earth into space will cause Earth to drift to safety. Shit, our models show that if we displace any more than 6% of the earth’s mass, then we’ll be in an ice age!” – Mitch McKubic, CEO Astro-Teslica

From Figure 1, we can see that the Earth’s current orbit puts it in serious trouble. The target orbit will bring the Earth’s average temperature down by 2.7 degrees Celsius which will effectively reverse all impacts of climate change to date. But if too much mass is transferred to the Kuiper belt, then AT’s computer models predict the Earth will freeze, which in effect will also put an end to climate change but in a different way.

Figure 1. Earth’s current orbit and possible other orbit scenarios possible under the SMD plan.

The federal government has approved the initial plans, with final permits to be granted next week.  While enthusiastic about the potential of not reaching net-zero, the current Liberal caucus has doubts about the cost of the project.

Saffron Smilymoon, with the Prime Minister’s Office

“The possibility of not only stopping climate change by simply expanding Earth’s orbit, but pushing us back to the edge of an ice age is amazing.  But we have several sources indicating it may just be cheaper to bury the displaced mass in pits north of Churchill and save the cost of space-gravel-ships and burning rocket fuel.”  – saffron smilymoon, Senior Staff Coffee Manager of the PMO

The project will commence as soon as final permits for the mining and launch locations are approved pending cost analysis by federal government.  Simple Mass Displacement to critical gravitational movement thresholds should be reached by 2035, with orbital drift reaching new stability parameters by 2040.


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