What was in the closet

CALGARY, Alberta – In a joint announcement, the Canadian Radio-Television & Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) and the U. S. Federal Communications Commission (FCC) say they have traced the source of almost all of the world’s robocalls to a broom closet in the basement of the Beau Tower in Calgary.  What investigators found in the broom closet is a vintage Tandy Radio Shack TRS-80 computer and a cassette player connected to a bootleg RJ11 phone jack.  With further sleuthing by lead investigator Sherlock Ohms it was determined that the facility is in turn connected to the office of 2P News, operated by Dr. Darcy Flowman and Antoine McGuilicuddy.

There are an estimated 6 billion wired and wireless telephones in the world.  The agencies contend that this one facility generated 500 calls to every single phone on earth, a mind boggling occurrence if true.  They further contend that most of the calls were to convince people to buy into 2P News’ cryptocurrency, looniecoin.  [See 2P News Introduces New Cryptocurrency, July 14, 2021].

Flowman and McGuilicuddy

What is obvious is that neither agency has done a damned thing about shutting down the real robocallers and are looking for a convenient scapegoat.  2P News is famous/infamous for news stories that are bigger falsehoods than anything on Fox News, so the agencies believe Flowman and McGuilicuddy will find it difficult to present a truthful defense.  However, Flowman and McGuilicuddy are ecstatic about the free publicity.  Flowman said, “Hot damn, maybe we’ll actually make some money on our ad space.  Those hosers at CRTC and FCC are doing us a huge favor.  With that money and what we’re taking in on looniecoin we might actually get to retire one day.”

Hubert Scheister

Their lawyer, Hubert Scheister of Dewey Cheatham & Howe, said that defending 2P News will be so easy that even he could do it, given the utter impossibility of one phone line making 3 trillion calls.  He added, “The only hard part of defending Flowman and McGuilicuddy is getting them to keep their mouths shut while I present their case.  Too bad it’s not Andy Killinger.  He knows when to clam up.”


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